Cookie Speaks

What is the Measure of a Good Adoption?

2007-12-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

"My argument is that the adoption system — because it is predicated on injustice because I am a feminist and think the patriarchy needs to be taken down — is unjust because the world is unjust."

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/12/07/i-just-had-to-pull-this-out/

This quote from Dawn's blog has me thinking hard and really mulling over what the measure of a good adoption really is. Like most aspects of adoption, this topic is extremely complicated no matter how much some people try to simplify it. Dawn did a great job of spelling out how complicated this issue can be.

Of course, we all agree that the child's welfare takes precedence. Although many try to say that the child and mother's best interests vary, I do not believe that to be the case in most situations. And, I believe that we can do what is best for a child without destroying or severely damaging the life of its first mother.

A mother can have the best motivations in the world for relinguishing her child, and maybe her decision not to parent was the best choice in her particular situation. But, if the adoptive parents chosen for that child happen to be the rare nightmare and abusive monsters, how can we say that adoption succeeded? Remember, this woman knew in her heart that it was the right choice - will she still feel that way finding a child at reunion that has been abused and damaged?

Conversely, consider a woman is pressured into the adoption "choice" with every fiber of her being screaming that it isn't what she wants, yet the adoption takes place. If her child happens to receive good adoptive parents, adjusts well to its status as an adopted child, deals with their loss well and turns out to be a stable successful adult, is that adoption a "success." For the child maybe, but what about its mother? If she had parented, isn't it likely that her child might have grown up much like they did being raised by their amom?

There are a million variations in between these two situations as well. However, it is relatively rare when an adoption that should take place, works out well and everyone lives happily ever after. Can we concede at least that is the case? Probably not. Even in the most ideal situations, there are pain and loss issues that must be addressed.

Adoption is a gamble, not a sure-fire guarantee that some gung-go advocates want to paint it. Sometimes an adoption should happen and works out well, sometime an adoption should not happen, but still works out well, and there are a million varations. We have to acknowledge that adoption is not a perfect solution that with a guaranteed success rate - life in general isn't like that and neither is adoption.

Dawn's right - the way our current system of adoptions is set up, it is unjust. We can never guarantee that every adoption is one that is necessary and should happen. However, we can do all that we can for our children to make certain that every pregnant woman considering her options has accurate and complete information about adoption and knows about resources and support to parent. We can stop coercion and unethical practices in adoption if there are consequences and accountability. And, we can and should do all we can to insure that all adoptions are truly necessary ones.

Movies About Unplanned Pregnancies

2007-11-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed how many movies have come out recently about unplanned pregnancies? First there was "Knocked Up." Didn't see that one - couldn't get past the title. Then, there was "Bella." I nearly walked out on that one! The minute the word "adoption" first was voiced, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Last weekend, I saw "August Rush." I think my expectations for this movie were maybe too high. Although parts of it moved me, I was not as thrilled or touched by it as I had expected. Heck, I didn't even need the Kleenex that I so purposefully brought with me!

Next up is "Juno," a comedy no less about an unplanned pregnancy. Normally, I have a great sense of humor, but, somehow I can't find much humor in unplanned pregnancies OR adoption. If you see Juno, email me with the ending. I want/need a happy ending. For me - that doesn't mean a mom places her baby for adoption. If that's what happens in Juno, I don't want to see it!

"The Girls Who Went Away"

2007-11-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

Ever get frustrated about the slow progress in adoption reform? Do you think that there is nothing that you can do? You would be wrong.

A few weeks ago, I donated two books to my local library. I left a card with my phone number in case they decided they did not want to put them into circulation. I wanted the books back if they did not intend to include them in their collection.

Today, I stopped by the library and checked on the computer for "The Girls Who Went Away." The last time I had checked it was not listed. This time the book popped up and it said that it was in the library.

"The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler was one of the two books I recently donated to the library. And yes, it felt fantastic to know that my local library now has a copy!

P.S. Not my best photo ever , but Ann Fessler photographs well, don't you think? Plus, she is terrific person and her book has made a wonderful contribution towards getting our voices heard!

Pregnant and Considering Your Options

2007-11-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I found a spot called CafeMoms where many moms connect on line. Many adoption groups are included. Some welcome all triad members, some are for birthmoms. A friend has one specifically for reunited birth moms http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715.

Mainly borne out of frustration, I created a group for pregnant women considering their options and have requested that paps not solicit for babies on the site. I'll let you know how it works out! So far, our members are birth moms ready to share. I want moms who will encourage and support the parenting option and will not portray adoption as all sweetness and light. We will talk about all options as honestly as possible, but concentrate on the parenting option. Eventually, I plan to offer resources as well for pregnant women and new moms.

Here's the link for my new group. Know anyone considering their options or who has experiencd an unplanned pregnancy? Or, someone who believes wholeheartedly first in the parenting option? If so, send them my way!

Hope to see you there!

2007-11-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Recently, I stumbled upon a blog written by a brand new adoptive mom. http://weblog.xanga.com/nettiebeau/621535924/continued.html. It disturbed me beyond measure. Unfortunately, I found this blog right before I shut off the computer for bed, so sleep was elusive. The post is dated October 14, 2007 and entitled "Adoption Week." There is talk of an "entrustment ceremony," asking the mother if she's ready for the ceremony to hand over the baby. "Yes, "No" - it seemed pretty clear to me how conflicted and uncertain the young mom was with the adoption decision. The crowning blow though was talk of the young woman's father saying that he was "reminding" her why she'd made the adoption decision. Yeah right, he needed to remind her so she wouldn't change her mind. Then the adoptive mom mentioned that:

"The decision that had been made before the hormone levels changed and the emotions got in the way."

Right, we certainly do not want any emotions to have any part in a decision to place your baby for adoption! People ask birth mothers how they can "give their babies away." I ask how can a adoptive mom take a baby from a young mother who so clearly wants to parent her baby?

Mothers and Sons

2007-10-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

My face is glowing - talking to either of my sons is always a welcome event, and I just talked to Chris via telephone.

That's him in the photo - kiteboarding last year in Brazil. Thrill-seeker? Adventuresome? Oh yeah, just like his mom. Well.....like one of his moms at least, namely me. If he reads this blog, I may be in trouble for calling myself his "mom." His "mom" is the mother who raised him, not me, and he might not take kindly to having me call myself his mother.

It's okay, I don't think he reads my blog, and I know none of you will tell on me, right?

“I’m getting a dog,” he told me. I asked what kind, and if he’d ever had a dog before as an adult. Next, he told me that his dog was born already, and he’d met it but couldn’t take it home yet. “Oh, right,” I thought, we know better than to separate mother dogs and puppies too early. In fact, we are so convinced that puppies need to stay with their mothers for a time after birth, some states have discussed laws to outlaw separating puppies and mothers too soon. However, I didn’t mention any of this to my son. I thought about it a lot though - it does steam me that our society sees nothing wrong with unnecessarily separating human moms and babies - even moments after birth. Yet, puppies and their mothers, we treat with more consideration.

Six years have passed now since he found me, and I feel good about how our relationship has developed. Do I wish that he wanted to see me more often? Would I be thrilled to have more communication from him? Would it feel wonderful to feel that he needed me more? Will I ever feel really comfortable and certain that I matter to him as much as I wish that he did?

Yes, yes, yes...To the last question, I really don't know. I believe that he gives me as much of himself as he can or wants. I know that he shares a lot more with me than many adoptees do with their "other" mothers (i.e. first/natural/birth moms). And, I do know on a good day that I matter to him.

I will probably always yearn for more. But for now, I know that I am fortunate to have the closeness and affection for each other that we do have. It is real, enduring and mostly feels like enough. When I feel yearnings for more, I remind myself that we have so much more than many reunited birth/first parents and their children.

Besides, I want to be at peace. To be there, I need to live in reality and face life honestly - finally! To do that, it is necessary to accept our relationship as it really is and be satisfied. Acceptance - it is a difficult goal to achieve in adoption, but on most days I feel that I have succeeded and I am grateful for the relationship that my son Chris and I now have.

Coffee and Adoption?

2007-10-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Last week, as I was checking out the Yahoo headlines - yes, folks, I admit most of my news comes from Yahoo - I came across an article entitled "Tired of the Same-Old Caffeine Routine." I clicked and found some tasty sounding recipes for tea and coffee drinks. As I browsed through the comments, I noticed comment no. 8 posted by Cindybin. Here's part of her post verbatim:

"I belong to the LDS Church and coffee is against my religion where we have what we believe to be direct revelation from Heavenly Father saying that coffee, tea, alcohol, etc are not for the body.... "

I had to laugh, in fact I snickered at happening upon this comment in the midst of a discussion about yummy coffee drinks. Several thoughts came to mind - not all nice and suitable to share.

The LDS religion apparently has gotten heavenly revelations about God's intentions for pregnant single women as well. Fortunately, I have been told that pregnant LDS single teens are not still forced to "choose" adoption - well, at least not all the time. Changes often happen slowly, but I see many obvious signs that pregnant, single LDS moms still receive plenty of pressure to place their babies for adoption. (If you happen to be LDS, my intent is is not to slam your religion. I just hate the LDS adoption doctrines.)

Adoption and coffee - who but me could link the two? I have been told that I can connect nearly any topic to adoption - it's probably true too! So back to the coffee story, can anyone help but wonder why an anti-caffeine zealot is reading coffee recipes? Maybe she thought the story would offer a better non-caffeine option? Was it a missionary opportunity for her?

Further in the comments, another reader (commenter 30) said "Please stop doing your part in helping to equate "religious" with "fanaticism" in the minds of many." Religion and adoption is a subject I probably will not tackle soon. I have such extremely strong opinions on the subject. (What me, strong opinions? Hah!)

Bottom line - if we can't even talk about coffee without a snag or two - is it any wonder that adoption discussions often turn into nasty frays?

In case you want to verify my quotes, or check out coffee recipes etc. here's the link!

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/themagicalmeltingpot/1005/tired-of-the-same-old-caffeine-routine

Ethics - Words Do Matter

2007-10-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying reading about the Ethics conference. Hate to have missed it - hope to make the next one! So far, I have read about some important issues that I am pleased to note were addressed. The issue of attaching the "birthmother" label on an expectant mother is one issue that I am thrilled was discussed. Sometimes I hear comments about how words don't matter, but I do not believe that to be the case. Words DO matter and labeling a woman a birth mother prematurely can thrust a her into a particular mindset. If she begins to think of herself as a birth mother, it may increase, in her mind, the inevitability of her relinquishing her child. Of course, this fact is no surprise to adoption workers. In fact, I think labeling a pregnant woman as a birth mother is a deliberate act designed to help insure that a mother does not change her mind about placing her child. A woman experiencing an unexpected pregnancy may be fearful, scared and vulnerable. Agencies understand this fact and prey on her weak points with tried and true, well-honed methods. Many agencies use highly sophisticated marketing techniques. They market adoptive parents as perfect beings, and adoption as a win-win practical and sensible solution. What they mostly neglect is how a woman (and sometimes her child) may feel later on about the adoption option. Words matter too when counselors babble on about "doing the right thing," or mention "if you love your baby, you will...." And yes, I do believe that most mothers do love their babies and want to do what is best for them. It matters that the adoption option is lauded as a noble and courageous act while simultaneously insinuating that parenting may be a selfish and irrational choice. Parenting is not easy, but compared to living a lifetime without your child, it is infinitely doable, and preferable in most circumstances. Browse most adoption agencies sites. Parenting sounds like such a joyless, unrewarding and potentially life destroying choice, it is a wonder that anyone would want to parent! When considering her options, a pregnant woman needs accurate, detailed and honest information about her choices. Only then will she be able to make a valid decision. Educating pregnant women thoroughly has to be a vital first step in insuring that the adoptions of the future are ethical and necessary.

Check out this post of Nicole aka Paragraphein's http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/2007/10/19/an-insiders-perspective-on-bethany-practices/ and see what a former adoption social worker thinks about ethics in the industry. She is not the first, nor the last adoption social worker who becomes disillusioned with the industry.

Predatory Adoptive Parents

2007-08-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

Strong words, eh? Calling some adoptive parents predators? Anyone who knows me is aware that I do not demonize ALL adoptive parents, and understand that many are enlightened and decent people.

What I do not understand is the "no holds barred" efforts to snag a newborn at any costs. If a couple wants to adopt, there are plenty of legitimate opportunities to do so through adoption and social service agencies. Why then are so many potential adoptive parents trolling the Internet for babies?

In particular, why do some potential adoptive parents frequent groups specifically for birth parents? Are they attempting to glean information to help them craft the perfect profile? Were they rejected by agencies, but certain that standard rules should not apply to them? Are babies from agencies too expensive, so they attempt to track down babies on their own? Maybe agencies are too much trouble?

Current agency adoption practices often leave much to be desired and I am aware of that fact. I also have heard about how detailed and unpleasant some home studies are, and how demeaning the scrutiny surrounding agency adoptions may seem. However, why should parents who are unwilling or incapable of surviving such scrutiny be allowed to adopt?

Why is it okay for potential adoptive parents to market themselves and blast their intentions all over creation searching for an woman in an unplanned pregnancy who MIGHT consider adoption for her child? As far as I can tell, there is no shortage of adoptable children. Nearly every day, we hear about children who NEED homes. Why then are SOME potential adoptive parents scouring the ends of the earth looking for children to adopt?

Are some adoptive parents convinced that if a woman places one baby for adoption, she may place ALL her children? In fact, most of the birth mothers that I know would walk through fire before considering losing another child in their family to adoption. Maybe they just do not realize how hurtful it is for birth mothers trying to heal for them to invade groups specifically designed for birth mothers? Just in case - it is insulting, presumptuous and rude for adoptive parents to be trolling on birth mother sites. There - I said it! Hmm, you didn't really expect me to mince words, right?

If a group says that it is a "birth mother" group, potential adoptive parents MAY not always be welcome, and they should be aware this is the case. As for extreme, do it yourself adoption methods in general.......later!

Benefits of Adoption for Birth Mothers?

2006-09-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

Is there anything about being a birth mother that one can really recommend? If you read some adoption agency websites, they may list the “advantages” of adoption for a birth mother. Are they bald-faced lies? Check out the potential benefits for the birth mother I found on a website: Potential Benefits for the Birthmother: · Housing assistance may be available · Support and counseling · An opportunity to fulfill your dreams such as education, travel or career goals · The chance to dreams the you have for your child come true · Prenatal and delivery expenses paid as needed · A better choice of excellent doctors and staff · You get to choose a family for your child that you like best, and can get to know them personally · Birth mother support group with other birth mothers who will share their experiences with you · Counseling/support services for other members of your family · Attorney fees and all legal expense will be free · You will have the chance to bring many people a lot of happiness that could not happen without you. · Happiness that comes with knowing that the adoptive parents know you love this baby enough to insure his or her happiness Keep in mind that they list all these so-called "benefits" to make it sound like, "Wow" look at all you get - sooo much. Dang, you know what - they forgot some of the benefits....how about never-ending pain, regret, shame, longing for your child, getting to tell your other kids that you gave their sibling away (or your husband...), being called cruel, heartless, etc., hesitating every time someone asks if you have children or how many.....you all know there are so many more "benefits". For the benefits to the adoptive parents, they list three benefits; two are getting to parent, the other mentions something about getting to experience a pregnancy....no kidding! Remember that little ditty, "Liar, liar, pants on fire?"

Crisis Pregnancy Centers Investigation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

This article is one of the most hopeful signs that I have seen in a very long time. I like the fact too that the Rep. behind it is from my home state. Read here. Lately I have read about many of the negative aspects of most crisis pregnancy centers, but, this article really nails it. The investigation actually involved sending young women to centers and had them pose as pregnant young women in crisis. The results were pretty much what I would have expected. The government helps fund these centers - and yet, they lie, mislead young women and try every trick in the book to convince them that all abortion is evil, and ruins your life. Don't get me wrong, I do not think abortion is a wonderful solution, but, for some, it may be the least damaging solution. Yet adoption is portrayed as the "perfect" and painfree solution. Our taxes pay for these centers to take advantage of vulnerable young women. Nice, eh? I am going to write a letter to Rep. Waxman thanking him for this investigation, and maybe suggest that he should also send these young women to adoption agencies as well and see if they receive the truth there. We all know the answer to that, right? I suggest that anyone else who cares, and is so inclined,write your state representative and urge them to investigate CPCs in YOUR state.

Would Adoption Exist in a Perfect World?

2006-06-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

This question was recently asked on an adoption forum and the resulting comments stunned me. Although I have learned a great deal about adoptive mothers, I discovered that I still have much to learn. Though hopefully, I just happened to wonder into a hornets nest of exceptionally nasty, super sensitive and mean-spirted adoptive moms. Having seen the path of destruction that losing children to adoption has wreaked on so many of my birth mom and adoptee friends, I ventured that in a perfect world, adoption would not exist. A perfect world to me implies a fantasy idea - not something that would ever be reality. Perfection does not exist in my mind. I naively ventured that I had trouble believing that any woman would intentionally choose to adopt if she could give birth (That was interpreted as calling any women who said that was a liar). Now, some women give birth and then adopt, and that I understand. Secondary infertility is common. Some women adopt rather than giving birth a second time intentionally as they feel there are so many children who need homes. Other women give up after many miscarriages and/or ivf; that's not hard to believe either. In my perfect fantasy world, I said that adoption would not exist. "There would be no need," I said, as in my perfect fantasy world any woman who wanted a baby could give birth. Every baby born would by design; unplanned pregnancies would not exist. I had no idea, however, that apparently it is not uncommon for women to adopt, and never attempt to give birth. Several fertile adoptive moms popped up and blew a gasket at me for implying that "adoption was second best", that "adoptive moms did not love their children as much", that I was calling these women "liars". None of which I said, believe or remotely implied. I said I found it hard to believe that a infertile woman would say that she was glad that she was infertile for any reason. The moderator cursed at my audacity for calling her a liar (I certainly did not), then 3, 4, 5 other adoptive moms pointed out they too were adopting even though they were not infertile. They just think adoption is so swell - and apparently care not a whit about birth parents. A few said in their perfect worlds adoption would exist, otherwise they'd be deprived of the children they had adopted. Even in a "perfect" world, they want/need adoption. Huh? Does that show how much concern they have for birth parents? They want to get babies somewhere else even if they can give birth, and care not about the woman whose baby they want. So freaking shoot me, I had no idea that so many women actually think adoption is better than giving birth. Silly me, I thought most women who want to parent want to give birth! I thought for most women adoption was not their first choice. Dang, I do have a lot to learn. Ah, what did I learn from this volley of vicious assaults? I learned that denial is not exclusive to birth mothers. I learned that some adoptive moms are angry, hypersensitive and nasty, mean-spirted women. Aren't we birth moms supposed to be the angry ones? Heck, if I were infertile, I think I might be angry about it. I cannot fathom that a woman who wants to parent would choose adoption over giving birth first - anymore than I believe that most birth mothers are happy that they relinquished their babies as it made their lives so much easier and better.

More About Birth Mom Pride - For Kim

2006-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Clarifying Birth Mom Pride For a woman who sees adoption as the only way that she can protect her child from harm and unselfishly chooses adoption, even knowing that it will hurt her, I certainly give her a great deal of credit. I can also see why she might be proud that she did what she felt was right. Should she feel proud that she chose her child's best interest over her own? Absolutely. Should she be proud of herself for being a birth mom though? I don't think I can attach being a birth mom as a positive experience. Heck, I know I can't. I cannot praise the concept of "being a birth mom" - I just can't. I do not want anyone to ever think I believe it is a good decision. Sometimes it may be, but, I believe it should be a last resort. Some birth moms may rightfully be proud that they “did the right thing”. And of course, I agree that they have every right to be proud that they did what they needed to keep their child safe and try to insure a safe, healthy happy family for their child. I would never second guess another woman’s decision and tell her that she should feel badly for it – I do not believe I know what is best for everyone. I would not presume to tell another woman how she SHOULD feel. What I object to is adoption workers and some adoptive parents praising a woman (that they really don’t even know at all sometimes)for placing her child for adoption. I object to telling her how brave, wise and courageous, not even knowing her at all, for choosing adoption. They are taking advantage of her by praising her so that she will give her baby to them. Tell a woman who is considering parenting that she is brave and courageous instead. Encourage her and let her know how much better for her child to be raised by her than strangers. Boost her ego, help her find parenting classes, resources to help her take care of her child. Praise women more for keeping their children - even when it may seem hard to do. Kim's circumstances were drastically different from mine. Now, I feel brave and strong, but, I didn’t back then. How many women are brave and wise though in their late teens and early 20’s? I understand the influences that most of us were under. Few of us could withstand the pressures enough to keep our children. I have met women much older and were wiser than many of us who were still duped by all the sophisticated brainwashing techniques many agencies practice. Societial myths and mistruths about the realities of adoption muddle the picture too. What I strongly object to is the generalizations that all birth moms are unselfish, brave and courageous. I object to agencies, social workers, and yes, even adoptive parents at times, telling a woman that they don’t even know, how brave, etc. she is. Maybe she is, maybe not. The reason I object to it is that I know they are telling her how wonderful she is, because they want another baby available to adopt. We value babies because people want to adopt them and of course it is great to value the life of a baby. What value are we placing on their mothers though? I object to a woman who has relinquished extolling the wonders of relinquishment and telling other young women that it is a noble and brave decision. It may be, but, it may also be an attempt to take the "easy way out". Funny thing is - the easy way out doesn't really pan out like many of us expect that it will. In the long run the adoption decision often turns out to be a regrettable mistake, not for all, but some. I am with Claud in this opinion, I cannot tell generally a pregnant woman that I think adoption is a decision that she should make. UNLESS she presents a danger to the child and fears that she might harm her child, I would not recommend that she follow in our footsteps. If she has untreatable drug, alcohol or abuse problems, maybe adoption might be better for her child. Only in the direst circumstances would I tell her adoption might be the best choice for her. We sometimes seem to value a baby over a mother. I wish we valued women more and tried to help women decide what is best for both her and her child. Instead, because we want her baby, we focus solely on the baby, and ignore her. We don't try to figure out enough what relinquishing her baby may do to her. We do not try to help her keep her baby if that's what she wants. She is expendable - we want and need her baby - not her. I have nothing but the deepest empathy, compassion and understanding for birth mothers - whatever reason they relinquished. However, I would rather a woman feel proud of herself for who she is today, than because she became a birth mom. I only get to decide how I feel though - no one else. I object to associating pride and courage with birth moms because it sends the message that giving up a baby is a good thing. In some rare cases, maybe, but, I would rather much send the message out that it is NOT a good thing. Because I do not believe that adoption generally is the best solution to an unplanned pregnancy. Sheesh, I have worked with lawyers too long - I've learned to say the same thing in a million different ways. Clear enough though?

Proud to be a Birth Mom - Part 2

2006-05-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

Proud to be a birth mom? Never! What's there to be proud about? I got pregnant without thinking about the consequences and then gave my baby away. If I had been courageous, I'd have fought harder to keep my son. There are many things that I am proud of; Proud that I survived losing my son; Proud that when he found me I had the strength to have contact with him; Proud that I raised two other children well; Proud that I never took refuge in drugs or alcohol; Proud that at reunion, I knew I needed help and sought it out; Proud that I speak out now and hope to have some part in educating people - about what needs to change in adoption including open records. But, proud for being a birth mom? Not on my list - and being a birth mom should not be something to be proud of. Doesn't mean a birth mom can't and shouldn't be proud of herself for other things - just not that. I know many amazing, bright, courageous, brave, outspoken and caring birth moms - women who are the strongest and most caring women on earth. When they relinquished though, most were not strong and they'd be the first ones to tell you that. Most birth moms I know do not feel they deserve praise for what they did. I am proud of the person I am today, but, I will forever be ashamed of not raising my older son. I hate thinking I was ever that weak - that I allowed his adoption. God puts babies in the right tummies; we're just too stupid/weak/in denial/uniformed, etc. sometimes to accept our babies and cherish, love and raise them. We circumvent nature when we give our babies to others to raise - and the price we (and often our children) is high. Birth moms need to forgive themselves and be forgiven by others. People need to understand that relinquishing a baby is often an act of desperation, rarely one of courage and bravery. We do not need to be, nor should we be praised, but, neither should we be condemmed either. I wish people would see birth moms as "normal" people. Birth moms are not devils, Adoptive moms are not saints. There is good and bad in all of us. I made a horrible error in judgment when I allowed my son's adoption - I freely admit that. Except for murder, there's not much worse in my mind. I messed up big time - but, I can't change the past and shouldn't be judged forever for one single act so many years ago. Women are not supposed to give birth for others, IMHO - it is morally reprehensible and repugnant to me to believe that is the case. I hate the idea of praising a woman because she did not have an abortion just cause it means another baby on the market available for adoption. Proud to be a birth mom? No way!!!!!!

Proud to Be a Birth Mom?

2006-05-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

Between blogging at that certain adoption site many of you know, attending my first "Grandparents Day" at my granddaughter's school (it was sooo fun) and a few million other things, I haven't blogged here much at my Cookie site lately. I feel a tad guilty - so, I am going to try to work on blogging regularly here at my Cookie blog once a week - Wednesdays, maybe. We shall see if I can. I confess I haven't even read too many other mom blogs lately either. I miss them! There are some great new adoptee blogs too I need to read. Just to let you know - as discouraged as we get sometimes wondering if anyone's really reading what we write, I got an email last week wanting to use an article of mine. Get this - they wanted to use it for a class on adoption law! It is an article I wrote a year or so ago about open records and how birth moms do not want or need privacy. Imagine Cookie's article as part of required reading for a class on adoption law! In one of Claud's latest posts - Sunday, May 28, 2006 - Sunday, May 28, 2006 READ IT HERE "Helps if you Read more than One post"...she responded to a poster who talked about how birth moms should be proud. The poster said:

I wish other people would see birthmom's as very special people who did something so courageous that it is the greatest love you can give your child.

I try hard not to put down other birth moms as I feel that we are all entitled to handle our adoption issues however we can - whether it is denial or......whatever works for us. However, I gotta agree with Claud that I hate that whole philosophy of birth moms being patted on the back and being called courageous and special because they gave their babies away. I know some people hate calling it "giving your baby away" - sorry, that is how I see it. Heck, I almost think I would rather be viewed as an amoral slut than a mindless compliant, docile breeder who sees her mission in life to supply infertile women with babies. And then wants praise and adoration for relinquishing her baby - like it was a good think. Proud to be a birth mom? Nah, I would hate to give anyone the impression that walking away from your baby and giving someone else both the responsibilities and joys is a good thing to do. I do not believe that it is a courageous, brave an act to be proud of. It is not an act worthy of praise - in most cases. I did not relinquish my son so that someone would praise me and tell me what I good thing I did. I did not relinquish him to prove my love for him - he'd probably believe today that I loved him more had I kept him. Relinquishing him to adoption made him doubt that I cared about him at all. He had to wonder all those years why I left him in the hospital nursery and never looked back. Want to prove your love for your baby? Then keep it, raise it and show it that you love it every single day of its life, by being the best parent ever. I know that not everyone can do that, but, if you really want to show your child that you love it - that's the best way to do it. Ask most adoptees - being relinquished doesn't feel like something a mother who loves you would do. I did not relinquish my son because I was brave and unselfish. That is not what I believe at all. Maybe for some few women that is the case. However, I was not brave, I was a coward. I was told adoption was what would happen - and I couldn't figure out a way to stop it. Brave? Courageous? Nah, that wasn't me. To Be Continued...........................................................

Reality T.V. Reunion "Starting Over" - Cassie and Her Son Meet!

2006-04-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Ooops! Sorry - I forgot to post this - but, watch the show anyway. They did meet and are now working on their relationship! Okay, I promised not to talk about coercion in my next post, right? Instead, I am talking about an upcoming reunion between birth mom and son due to air on Monday, May 1, 2006. Nearly a year ago, I was asked to be part of a CUB adoption support group to speak with a birth mom interested in reuniting with her son. Cassie, the birth mom, was in the "Starting Over" house and one of her goals was to reconnect with her son who had recently turned 18 years old. "Starting Over" is a daytime reality t.v. show which airs all over the country. The premise is that 6 women at a time go to the house, and live their for a time to get their lives in shape and "start over". There are life coaches who work with them and the SO staff provides them with a variety of counselors, lawyers. They have a wide variety of resources at their disposal - personal trainers, make-up artists, therapists, etc. As a birth mom, they decided Cassie needed to speak to other birth moms about search and reunion. That's where we came into the picture. It was a cool experience. We were taped for an hour meeting with Cassie. A few months later the episode was aired and they had edited it to about 3-4 minutes. There were four of us who met with Cassie. Each of us appeared on the episode for long enough for us to say a few sentences. I hoped that I'd like what they chose to air and I did. Vain creature that I am, I was hoping they'd do our make-up. But, nooooo, it was reality t.v., right? My son's adoptive mom had someone record the show for her - she said my hair looked great - the only thing she didn't like was that they didn't give us enough time!

What Else? Coercion - Part ?

2006-04-15T13:58:00.002-07:00

Me talk about coercion? Anyone curious as to why I blog about it so much? Ahhhh, probably not. That's okay, I will tell you anyway! Coercion is one of the tactics in adoption that bothers me the most. Bothers me? More accurately, it makes me fighting mad! It infuriates me - all the coercion that happens in adoption. Coercion, lack of adequate information and closed records. Here are three other places to read about coercion! Heather Lowe and pre-birth matching http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/pre-birth-ties-between-birth-and-adoptiv Karen Sterner - Coercion - a 4-part series http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-c-word-coercion Jan - Part 1 of 3 http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-c-word-coercion I know many of you are not fond of the site these blogs are on, but, they are read by they have a wide readership. The bigger audience we receive - the sooner coercion and some of the other nasty practices in adoption will change. So, please consider checking these out. If you were coerced, talk about it, tell others and don't stop till we no longer have coercion in adoption. I PROMISE - my next blog will not be about coercion! How about misinformation and lies? Or, should I just blog something nice for a change? And talk about how blessed I feel to be reunited - nearly 5 years? The only thing I can promise is that I won't talk about how wonderful adoption is. I know for some that it is - it is not for me - and never will be. To make a flat definitive statement that "adoption is wonderful" though denies, dismisses and insults every person who is in pain due to adoption. My son's adoption is now integrated into my being. It is part of who I am and who he is. I am a mostly happy and content person - so is my son. However, I hate the way adoption happens now in the U.S. - in case anyone reading has missed it - that's how I feel. Will I ever utter those words, "I think adoption is wonderful" though? Do pigs fly? I know - for some people - particularly adoptive parents, and some adoptees, adoption is a wonderful experience. To say it is wonderful in general though is a slap in the face to birth families and adoptees - it is dismissing our pain and pretending that it does not matter. It does.

Coercion - Korea and the U.S. - Different Methods Same Goal

2006-04-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

This is a really interesting post by a young woman who was part of a group of Korean adoptees who visited a "birth mother's home" in Korea. Apparently she figured out that she and the others in her group were being used as a way to demonstrate to the young pregnant women how wonderfully well their babies might turn out - if they put them up for adoption. http://twicetherice.wordpress.com/2006/03/28/juice-cookies-with-a-birth-mom/ As I said in a comment on her site, the American version of her story is slightly different. Here we do not parade adoptees around saying how swell growing up without their biological family is. Here, we use birth moms. In the U.S., instead they find new birth moms to counsel pregnant women. They must employ fairly new birth moms - that's because few birth moms who have lived without their children for awhile would ever encourage other pregnant women to follow in their footsteps. It is necessary to use birth moms who have not had their WTF (thanks, Claud!) moments yet. Birth moms who have lived without their babes for a few years aren't generally too willing to say "adoption is wonderful, you too should do it". Of course, those birth moms whose open adoptions slammed shut are not the best spokespersons either. In America, we encourage new birth moms to share their stories about how wonderfully well relinquishing their babies has worked for them. Then the agencies plaster those stories all over websites so that pregnant women considering adoption can slurp them up. Pregnant women considering adoption read those stories and convince themselves that it really is okay to give your own flesh and blood to strangers to raise. Not enough that some agencies young pregnant women and convince them to relinquish their babies. Sometimes they add insult to injury by then messing with them again by using them as poster birth moms to recruit more birth moms. How does that make these birth moms feel when they realize that they have been used again? When they are used to convince other young pregnant women to sign up to give them babies away? And then figure out what that once again they have been used? Pretty dang awful I bet! Something those of you who were duped by the large, mega-rich agencies - you barely had a chance - so remember that when you are tempted to throw on that cape of guilt and self-hatred. Refuse to wear it.

"I won't stop until I drop!"

2006-03-27T21:17:00.000-08:00

I got this nice comment that I wanted to pass along to you all.

Moxie said... I just want to let you firstmothers know that you're not speaking into a void. I'm a mom of two that I gave birth to, and always thought I might want to adopt a child or two (before I had my children). I kind of had this uneasy feeling about domestic infant adoption, but didn't really know why, so we talked about international instead. Then when I gave birth to my first son I was blown away by the power of the mother-child unit. I think that's what's propelled me to start reading so many adoption blogs, which, of course, crystallized what that nebulous bad feeling was about. I'm not sure I'll ever adopt, but if I do it will be from the foster care system. I'm fairly certain that I'm going to foster a pregnant teenager, though. Give her a safe place to be while she figures out how to mother her child the way she wants to. I'm sure you firstmoms get so much pushback from people telling you you're "too angry." Don't stop. We need to hear it, those of us who know nothing about it. Even, especially, if it makes us uncomfortable.

My response to Moxie is that "I won't stop until I drop!" Part of what drives me so hard is that I am older than most of you birth/first moms. I have no young children to care for - my "babies" are older than many of you. My parents are no longer around. I have time NOW that many of you don't. But, I am not so young anymore, approaching retirement age actually. Right now though, I am still full of energy and "spunk", fire, passion. So, I figure I need to charge ahead as hard and long as I can - I hate the way adoption functions currently in the U.S. - I hate that women are still coerced, cajoled, persuaded to relinquish their babies when they should be raising them. I hate that adoptive parents get babies and do not know how to raise them as adopted children. I hate closed adoptions(I don't like open ones much better, but think that they are better for the children). I hate that records are sealed tight and adoptees (and birth families) get put through such Hell to find each other. Even though I hate the whole concept of babies and mothers being separated unnecessarily and through coercion, I still believe that in some rare cases adoptions are necessary. Some few women who give birth really are incapable of parenting, and should not raise children. For them, if no family members are willing to keep the baby within the family, maybe adoption is the best choice. Adoption will always exist in some form I believe in this country. But, it should not continue as a lucrative business, taking advantage of women in crisis pregnancies and women desperate to adopt. Right now, I believe that is what it does do. It should not continue to disrespect, trick, and shamefully treat women (and men)as it currently does. Adoption in its present form is unjust, immoral and unethical to all - adoptive parents, birth parents and pregnant woman considering adoption. And, it doesn't have to be that way. And yes, as long as I can speak or type - I intend to keep on "speaking"!

Jenna and I - Decades Apart - Thinking Alike

2006-03-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

Something struck me as I was reading Jenna's blog - http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.wordpress.com/2006/03/ Jenna and I are decades apart - she's younger than even my youngest child and only 8 years older than my oldest grandson, but, there is so much about adoption that we agree on: 1. Adoption Network Law Center is evil - one of the most opportunistic and wicked adoption agencies on the Web. They prey on young vulnerable pregnant women in the worst possible ways. They brag about spending a million a year on "birthmother marketing". Look in the dictionary under "unethical", "coercive", "ruthless", "greedy" and they'll be there!

"Over 1 million dollars spent in Birthmother marketing annually Most matches occur within 9 months The “Adoption Network Commitment” - insurance protection Safe and confidential adoption services Adoption Network Law Center’s qualified adoption staff is available 24/7 Non-residents can finalize adoptions in California Adoption Network Law Center is results driven! Adoption Network Law Center aggressively reaches out to more Birthmothers. Unlike many state-regulated agencies, Adoption Network Law Center is not confined by stringent state-mandated budget restrictions. In fact, Adoption Network Law Center spends over $1,000,000 in advertising for Birthmothers annually. As a result of these extensive advertising and outreach efforts, most matches are made in less than 9 months. With a track record like that, it is no wonder hundreds of families turn to Adoption Network Law Center each year to help realize their adoption dreams.

And then there is Gladney! BIG YUCK!!! New luxury quarters to live in, trips to the mall, a pool....ding, ding, ding....but, yes, folks, there is a catch! You gotta give 'em your baby to get to hang out there in their "home". They'll pamper you like queens as long as your baby's unborn, but, then....you're outta there...they don't need you anymore. 2. Adoptive parents who want to pretend that a child that they adopt has only set of parents should not adopt. It is wrong to pretend that a child of adoption's birth parents do not exist and/or matter. 3. We agree that women consider adoption are given misleading information about how it will feel later on - to be without your child - the child that you carried for nine months and gave birth to. And, I think I can also safely say, that we both agree how wrong that is. It's sorta like this - you go to buy a car, a house, anything - you're told only how great it is - and will be forever. Maybe it has a few minor little problems that they downplay. Then you drive the car for awhile, live in the house for awhile and find out - they freaking lied to you about the car or the house. Those "minor" problems turned out to be HUGE. They neglected to tell you about all the other defects the car or house really have - and how all those horrible problems can harm you - drive you bananas - maybe the awful problems with the car can cause you to have a serious accident in it - living in the house with all its defects will make you miserable. So, you were lied to and you can sue those buggers! No problem. Prove that they did not disclose a real defect and you have it made. What happens though when you are lied to about adoption - sold a bill of goods - there were nothing more than a pack of horrible lies. Or failed to disclose some really important facts - like how it feels later to lose your child? What can you do about that? Nada, zilch - so sad, too bad. You should have known, you didn't want your kid anyway, your child will be better off with....The damage to your life will probably be way worse than any affects that house or car that you can sue for will be. So, why is it that adoption agencies can blatantly lie through their teeth and get away with it? With no consequences? Why is that? Jenna said:

The whole, “You’ll be sad but you’ll move on,” crap is, well, crap. But I didn’t know any different. How could I? It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child. While things may work out in the end, nothing will ever, ever be the same again. (Though, nothing is the same when you parent, either, but there isn’t a sense of overwhelming loss and “What the $*#! did I DO?!) (Caught myself again.)

It is crap to imply that you will be sad for awhile, but, that's it. And to not warn you about how you will feel when you hit that WTF moment as Claud so wonderfully describes it. Full disclosure - you have to provide that when you sell a house, why not when you give your baby up to adoption? Ah, one thing Jenna and I don't agree on. She knows open adoptions, I know closed. I do fault and question adoptive parents who now in 2006 still want closed adoptions. Knowing their boundaries is no excuse - not when we know that open adoptions are generally better for children. What is best for children should ALWAYS be what comes first. I say if you don't want an open adoption, keep doing what some women already do - go to some foreign country and get a baby whose history is already obliterated OR just don't adopt if you can not handle the idea of your child having another family. Adopted children always do have birth families. We are getting stronger and no longer willing to remain as ghosts in the shadows. We are beginning to learn that our children want and need to know us and that will continue and become more and more the norm. Closed adoptions are relics of the past - and except in rare and extreme cases - there is no good reason for them. Closed adoption are inhumane, cruel, immoral and have harmed too many people for too long - adoptees and birth parents. They are just plain wrong and should almost never be allowed to happen. The fact that some adoptive parents are too insecure and afraid to deal with birth families and want to pretend birth families do not exist are not valid enough reasons for closed adoptions to continue. Okay, I know, I am ranting now - but, I've been bursting lately wanting to talk. How do you mama bears feel when you see articles about financing for adoptions? WHAT? If I want our government or anyone to throw money somewhere, I want it to go to keep families together. I do not think money should influence someone to relinquish or adopt. BUT, if someone cannot afford to adopt, why should we give them money to do so? Why not use our dollars to keep families together? If we tell pregnant women to relinquish if they cannot afford to parent, why don't we tell adoptive parents who cannot afford to adopt a newborn to either adopt from foster care or not at all? Why are we so gung ho to help people adopt, but, do so little to help women keep and raise their own babies? And, if I hear one more adoptive parent talk about what a shame is that adoption isn't offered more as an option, I will really lose it! Where are these folks who think adoption isn't promoted like crazy hanging out? Do they surf the web? - they couldn't. Do they look at the phone book? Nah, impossible. Do they watch those sappy, sickening shows on t.v. that promote adoption? Have they been to a so-called crisis pregnancy center? http://www.cnsnews.com/Nation/archive/200203/NAT20020301b.html You know those crisis pregnancy centers that are religiously based and often closely associated with adoption agencies. The ones that list the affects of abortion as ones we are know are more closely associated in reality with adoption. Honestly, where in the heck are these adoptive moms hanging out? How do they miss all those disgusting ads about finding the "perfect" family that we keep seeing? (I know there are some wonderful few adoptive moms (or moms to be), Gwen, Susan, Anfrindie, Manuela - who have I missed? - but, you are so rare! I am not talking about you all.) P.S. My boss said to say hi (from Job) to you all! He's loving the fact that I am actually working hard again now that I am not spending time at work with adoption stuff!

Busted - Part 2

2006-03-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hopefully, my beloved boss isn't reading this! He may be. I am not being sarcastic here, I like him a whole lot. He has been very patient with me! But, we had another talk today. I have greatly curtailed my surfing at work, but, not enough. Now, I really have to! None of my attempts to be more subtle worked. So, I have to stop surfing at work entirely. Very interesting talk we had today! Curiosity got the best of him, so he checked the "history" part on Yahoo and sure enough, Cookie's Blog was there. He was very impressed with the set-up of the blog. Didn't know I had that in me, but, I told him it was mostly Blogspot, not me. And yes, he did read the blog entry entitled "Busted". Believe it or not, he even saw Kippa's comment about her thinking my boss must be "Job". Yipes! We were laughing about it! He read enough to comment, "You are really in a great deal of pain." No, duh? (Sorry, boss, if you're reading!) Also made some comment about how he wonders if maybe I am "perpetuating it". You know, by writing, still thinking about it? Funny thing is, compared to a few years ago, I am soooo much better. Mostly, I am in pretty good shape now. Except for those whammies that pop up when you least expect them to. Anyway ladies, I will keep on bopping away, but, I cannot write anymore at work! My boss is a great guy, I like what I do, know how to do what I am doing, make good money and need to keep working at least a few more years. I really would like to stay where I am till then. So.....that means I gotta be good and not email or write at work. I will keep reading at night at home. If I am commenting and writing less - it's only cause I will have so little time - not cause I don't love reading your wonderful mama voices!

Cookie's Back and Swinging!

2006-03-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

Long walks - I always feel so much better! So, why can and do people dismiss us for thinking adoption is anything but wonderful? Why is it okay for infertile woman to talk about their pain, or the pain of an adoption that doesn't go through, but, we are still supposed to shut up and get over it? Will I ever understand these questions? Don't think so! I just read an adoptive mom's journey to adoption and she spoke of the worst day of her life as when a planned adoption did not go through. She had never even seen the baby! So, meanwhile, we moms who carry our babies for 9 months and then birth them are supposed to not be distraught, etc? Talk about worst day of your life! Anyone like to follow a mom through the day she signs papers? Or the day months or years down the road that it hits her WTF she has done? Worst days - not just one day - a lifetime! Okay enough for now! I am super happy now! Just got an email from my son. He hardy ever sends them anymore. He apologized for not calling, said he's thinking about me alot (hasn't said that in quite a while). And the best part - he signed it "with love". He doesn't send too many emails "with love", so, they are mucho special. In a hurry, if this has typos, forgive me. This is a wonderful article about a medallion on a diaper that helped a woman find her birth mom! http://www.philly.com/mld/dfw/living/14000571.htm There was also a show on the History Detectives about it too. The Detective: Gwen Wright The Place: Kansas City, Missouri The Case: The only reminder one woman has of her birth parents is a medallion of the Virgin Mary that was attached to her diaper when she was presented from a home for unwed mothers to her adoptive parents. Homes for unwed mothers were a national trend from the beginning of the 20th century until the 1970s, when they fell from use. Follow this emotional story as the History Detectives head to Missouri to help our contributor finally find her birth parents and the home where she was adopted. http://www.pbs.org/opb/historydetectives/case/311_index.html Did anyone see "Family Makers" on the Learning Channels? It was hard to watch, but interesting. My hubby could barely stand to watch. Thank you all for your kind comments during my fragile mode. You guys are all too cool! Kim - how sweet you are - so mamma bear like! Susan, I appreciated your comments alot too - thanks - I know that not all moms who do foreign adoptions are dweebs! I will thank the rest of you later! All your supportive comments were much appreciated. Gotta go eat lunch - then tonight I am babysitting.

Fragile - Delurk Here Too!

2006-03-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

I'd love for my lurkers to step up too - I'll be nice, really I will! Fragile – that’s what I am feeling right now. Tears on my way to work – a daily occurrence during that first year of reunion – not so common now. But, today, I felt them. It is interesting this "thing" called adoption. You think that you have a handle on it, but, boom, it strikes you again. Strong “steel magnolia” that I am, it even gets to me sometimes. “It” is the day to day “adoption” crap that I am bombarded with daily. Some days, I wish I could retreat to that safe, but uncomfortable, “birth mom closet” where I lived for so many years. But, I won’t. “Sleeping with the Enemy” – there is a heavy price to pay for doing that. But it is necessary. We need to educate our foes, not our friends. Here’s part of the *&%# that I am bombarded with lately: ...."Back to the anti-adoption folks.... Maybe they weren't crazy, just really sad and in a great amount of pain. They cannot move past a traumatic event and are stuck to wallow in their pain. So this anti-adoption thing was their way of holding a pity party. I don't feel threatened by anti-adoption or feel pity for anti-adoption folks any more. They are what they are and that is their problem, not mine.” I will respond to this moron – carefully – that is my way. I wish I could just tell her that she is an f---ing idiot and leave it at that. But, I can’t. If only she had just taken her exploration one step further – and realized there is plenty of basis for feeling “anti-adoption”. And, that instead of dismissing it, she should pay some attention and keep exploring. And try to make the adoption better. Are those attracted to foreign adoptions by nature simple-minded weaklings? Or are there any adoptive parents who do foreign adoptions that are reasonable, enlightened intelligent beings? Just asking, I wonder. So, we hang with them, and play nice and try to show them that we aren’t crazy, bad, evil, unworthy or undeserving. We try to let them know that we are “mother” material and try to explain why our current system of adoption needs plenty of work. I want to talk about coercion and lies told to pregnant women considering adoption. I need to – but I can’t face it now. I will get through it – as I always do – but I can not write much now. So, I will take a few days, regroup, etc. and then I will be back – in full force – and ready to battle again. P.S. This is my favorite photo of my Dad and I. Seeing it is bittersweet right now - he's not around any more - neither is my mom - but I was closest to my Dad. Since I am feeling somewhat sad right now, it is a good time for this photo.

Only a Birth Mother?

2006-02-22T00:09:00.000-08:00

The drawing above was done by my granddaughter. It is a picture of me (Gram) and her. I like to think that she made my heart extra large because she sees me as having a big heart. We have a very warm and fun relationship. After she was born, I was one of the first persons to hold her and she is very special to me. So, being "Gram" to her and her two brothers as well is a very significant role for me. Another way that my life is defined other than being a "birth mom" is my role as a wife. My husband is an amazing person. He is kind, thoughtful, loving and incredibly supportive of anything I undertake. I figure to have this wonderful man loving me, and treating me like such a princess, I have to be doing something right! Therefore, my role as a wife is ultra important to me too. Like Kim, so many roles I play define me. I have a ton of interests and hobbies - nature, hiking, birds, travel, crafts, photography, writing and reading. I am a legal assistant/secretary and a notary. There's a great deal more to my life than JUST being a birth mom!

New Blogs

2006-02-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Adoption.com has a new bunch of blogs. I think you may like a few of them. There are three written by birth moms: search, crisis pregnancy and birth/first parents. Some of you will recognize the birth mom bloggers. Heather Lowe is writing the "crisis pregnancy blog". And there is some great stuff in there already. http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sleazy-adoption-practices Enjoy!

Cookie and Sheep in the Alps

2006-02-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite photos. It has nothing to do with adoption, but, most of my photos don't. Except for those of me and my handsome son. My husband and I came across this little boy with his sheep one day as we were hiking down this path in the Swiss Alps a few years ago. When I saw this little boy coming towards us, I got really excited. "Go over and stand by him, and I'll get snap a picture," my hubby said. So he did. It was a "Kodak Moment" for sure.

I Don't Cry Much Anymore

2006-02-20T07:58:00.000-08:00

"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE Grateful that I did not raise my son is something that I never will be. And, I am disgusted that we still expect women who place babies for adoption to be then ignored, dismissed or ridiculed when they do not "get over" the trauma as society expects that they should. To also treat those who are adopted in similar ways is deplorable to me as well. The whole way my friend Wraith's search has been handled from nearly day one angers me no end.

I have mentioned that during that first year of reunion, I cried daily and that my all-time record was three times in one day. At reunion, the enormity of the loss of my son hit me like a swirling tornado. Prior to that time, I hadn't allowed myself to think about him too much; it was inevitable though that I did some. However, when I thought of him, it hurt so badly, I thought at times that I'd fall into a deep hole never to return. I worried that the pain would swallow me up and destroy me. So, I mastered the skill of burying my head in the sand and pretending instead. Pretending that I had one son, not two, pretending that I had "done the right thing" and was okay, pretending that adoption was okay and pretending that my son was solely someone else's son, not mine. Being found changed everything. Once I stopped pretending - the reality of what I had done by allowing my son to be adopted brought me to my knees literally and figuratively. I went to church for the first time in years and down on my kneels prayed that I could survive. All the feelings I had buried so many years finally rushed to the surface and I couldn't pretend any longer. I am glad though - as excruciating as experiencing those feelings was, I needed those feelings to surface to be able to reconnect with my son. If I had been able to quash those feelings, not that I even tried, I might never had reconnected with my son. I would have been like some moms who do not allow themselves to reconnect with their children. I had no choice though. I did not intentionally summon my feelings of loss, longing and love for my son. There was no bravery involved on my part. It just happened - the feelings and the urgent desire to reconnect with my son. The timing just happened to be right. All I did was allow those powerful and primal feelings to live and exist and finally be heard. I am thankful that I could and did. I am so grateful that finally I allowed those feelings and my son into my heart. During year two, I still cried pretty frequently, though I did manage to skip a day or two every so often. At times, I would walk in the door after work with a streaked face having cried all the way home from work. My husband would sadly look at me and ask if it was about him (my son) AGAIN. And I'd nod. Finally one night, I told my husband not to be sad for me, that I needed to grieve and get my sorrow out. And now, I am approaching Year 5, so I don't need to cry as much anymore. For myself at least. But, I still think about the tragic legacy of closed adoptions (or any adoption) on a nearly daily basis. Sometimes I am moved to tears when I hear of other's sad and hurtful challenges in adoption. Mostly these days I am hurting more for those I care about. Those in closed and open adoptions who are being jerked about, disrespected and treated like lesser beings. Those who are searching and hitting one brick wall after another. Those mothers still stuck in their protective shields of denial. Sometimes it just gets to me and I cry. And I wonder, what will it take for people to understand?

To know that to send mothers out into the world and expect that they don't need to know about their children is wrong;
To know that to coerce, cajole, pressure, call it what you will into giving your baby to others to raise is wrong;
To refuse to allow adopted people to have information about their roots and birth families is wrong;
To know that the way we currently "do" adoption in the U.S. and in much of the world is harming so many people and needs to change?

What is the "Tipping Point" to turn around adoption? What will it take? All I know to do is to keep speaking out - and hope some day enough people listen and take the greedy predators out of adoption and make adoption better - alot better.

Olympic Champion Seeking His Birth Family

2006-02-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

For Dawson, a Bronze and a Chance to Find Birth Parents "Toby Dawson, who took the bronze medal in the men's moguls competition today, hopes to use the publicity to find his birth parents." This is a story I think we will all like - he just won a bronze medal in the Olympics for mogul skiing and wants to find his birth family. He was adopted from Seoul, South Korea when he was three years old. My husband and I were watching his winning race and saw the cameras after the race showing his jubilant adoptive mom. Check out this gorgeous babe! Is she hot or what? I'm still learning to do that linky thing - I wanted to surprise you, but, it's late - I'm tired. http://haggardoldpsycho.blogspot.com

With Love to my Mom

2006-02-14T10:24:00.000-08:00

One of the favorite stories my mom used to relate about me as a child (about 4 or 5 years old) was when we lived in my favorite house of my childhood memories. It was a big white colonial looking house right across from a sprawling park where I loved to climb the chestnut trees it had in abundance. In the front yard of our house was a narrow flower bed right next to the house. One day my mom started to pick some of the colorful flowers until I pleaded with her not to. She asked, "Why don't you want me to? My response was, "If you pick the flowers, no one walking by will be able to see them." Took me years to understand why she told that story so often. Finally I realized, she was proud because I cared about other people and that made her mother's heart happy. And I still care - it makes me vulnerable, emotional and passionate and, yes, sometimes I am moved to cry for others. Yet, I also live my life to the fullest and am grateful and appreciate all that I have. I am glad that I care - that it matters to me when others are treated unfairly or unjustly. I hope that I always will. Happy Valentine's Day, Mom. I know that you are proud and smiling down from heaven at me knowing I still care about others!

2006-02-13T01:27:00.000-08:00

Father Tom Brosnan, an adoptee and a Roman Catholic priest with a parish in New York City said in a speech given at a Catholic Charities, National Maternity and Adoption Conference in 1996: "We were, I believe, victims of the closed adoption system which exerts an extraordinarily powerful hold on all members of the triad. It is a cruel task master and demands untold sacrifices. It is merciless in its destructive power." http://www.openadoption.org/brosnan.htm This is a very old speech - and I am certain many of you have seen it already. It just seems really pertinent to me now as a good friend of mine is reeling from his recent news. His mother has finally been found - but she wants no contact. Every time I hear of a birth mom refusing contact, it hurts me and makes me angry. I know that she is afraid - and needs help - and needs to heal. Reunion can help heal her a great deal - but, only if she is strong enough to take the risk of contact. In the meantime, she is hurting her own son - and rejecting him - again. None of us moms meant to reject our children when we relinquished them, but, I believe that is how some may perceive it. And I honestly can not say that I must blame them - and I am so sorry that we didn't know better.

Sharon Stone - With Foot in Mouth

2006-02-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

You gotta love this one! STONE IS HONEST ABOUT ADOPTION Actress SHARON STONE refuses to hide her two children's adoption from them, and will tell baby son LAIRD as soon as he is old enough to understand. Stone adopted five-year-old son ROAN with ex-husband PHIL BRONSTEIN, and went on to add to her brood, last May (05), after their divorce. The BASIC INSTINCT actress insists adopted parents have a deeper connection with their children than biological parents. She says, "Roan already knows he's adopted and Laird will learn as soon as he's able to comprehend it. I have a bunch of friends who also have adopted children. And we jokingly refer to all the poor mothers who just have birth children - they don't know what it really means to have a child pick you and you pick them. There's kind of cosmic intensity about it. Our kids look so much more like us than birth children look like their parents." 09/02/2006 17:17 Here's the link for this story, in case you think I just dreamed it up! Nah, couldn't have come up with anything this absurd. http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf /mndwebpages/stone%20is%20honest%20about%20adoption_09_02_2006# Gee, isn't that swell of Sharon Stone to be so "honest" with her adopted children? She refuses? Like someone was trying to force her to hide the fact of her children's adoptions. Uh, wouldn't that be pretty dang hard for her to do since their adoptions have been splashed all over the news since day 1 since she first bought, er, I mean adopted them? "Deeper Connection?" Uh, yeah sure, right!!!!! Wait, is this the same actress who left her sleeping child in the limo so she could go hang out with a man for awhile? The child wasn't alone I don't believe - think the limo driver was there with it. "Joking refers to all the poor mothers who just have birth children?" "Cosmic Intensity?" WTF? Is she stupider than I even imagined she was?

Busted!

2006-02-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, ladies, and the occasional guy, I just want to warn you, I can't do any more adoption stuff at work. I work in a two person office - just the attorney and me, so, it's pretty tricky, okay, it is virtually impossible, to blend in and subtlely work on my adoption projects at work. Today, my boss, who is one of the world's kindest men on earth, warned me for the second time, not to work on anymore adoption stuff at work. He needs me to concentrate on the legal work, the nerve of him, huh? Soooo, I'm going to have to listen to him this time, curtail my adoption projects until either lunchtime or after work. Just wanted to mention it in case, I am slower to post and slower to respond to emails. I have a recommendation for you all (opps, my Southern roots popping out)! If you haven't read Manuela's Blog today, on How Wealthy People Adopt, the I highly suggest that you check it out! Bet you'll love it as much as I did. http://www.manuela.blogs.com/

Another New Momma!

2006-02-06T21:54:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to alert you all that we have two new ring members, HeatherRainbow, and Let me Take Your Hands to welcome! HR has two posts up already, an Introduction and a lovely poem. LMTYH has been blogging awhile! So when you get a chance, I hope you will say hi to both our new to the ring moms! http://heatherrainbow.blogspot.com/ http://www.zoeesmommy.typepad.com/ Also, I would like some feedback from you all - I'm excited that we are growing and want to encourage some other moms to join us. Plus, I would like to keep letting people know about us too as much as possible. Before I force ahead though, does anyone have any concerns about privacy and becoming TOO well known? I know some of you are in open adoptions - and don't want to cause any problems for anyone. So, let me know what you think! I think the greater our numbers, the more we have some ability to maybe change hearts and minds - and help people to understand us and adoption better!

Wraith's Challenges

2006-02-05T23:46:00.000-08:00

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

Virginia Satir

Wraith, my good buddy's latest blog entry brings up a very significant issue for woman who have placed/relinquished children to adoption. I often speak of the adoption therapist that I saw faithfully during my first year of reunion as I learned a great deal from her. Her perspective as an an adoptee was invaluable in helping me understand my son during early reunion. During one session she asked me this question: "Who do you blame the most for losing your son?" With no hesitation, I responded, "Myself". She smiled, nodded her head and said that was good, that it was a positive sign that I accepted the main share of the responsibility. Society's warped ideas of adoption and my husband greatly influenced my decision, but, I was of age and therefore feel that I must accept the blame. Consider this, when a young pregnant woman seeks help with a crisis pregnancy, here's what I feel should occur:

First, we explore the option to parent, and give her as many resources as possible to let her know that she can parent if she wishes to. Not only do we encourage and support her, but, we honestly present parenting to her with its drawbacks and joys. We acknowledge the importance of keeping babies and mothers together.
Next, if she considers abortion, we honestly provide her with the REAL pros and cons. We avoid the use of scare tactics or religious dogma to make her feel as though abortion is the devil's work and will doom her to hell and make her a murderer;
If she wants to explore adoption, we explain to her that adoption carries with it lifelong consequences for child and parent and all their family members as well. We present the pros and cons of adoption in a brutally honest manner.
We give her real viable options, support and encourage her to make the best possible choice based on real, complete and valid information.
We resist the temptation to tell her what is "for the best" and do not judge her or try to convince her to do what we feel is "right". She must live with the decision that she makes so, it must be one that she can live with best.

Then, we step back and let HER make the decision.

Many birth moms of my generation may have had choices, but, not REAL valid choices based on accurate information or much, if any, support and encouragement. Some question that a choice without adequate and complete information and valid resources is not really much of a choice at all. And I see some merit in that opinon. I am not disagreeing with Wraith though - I think we must own up to our part in losing our children - unless we were underage and totally with no control. Even then, we still have some responsibilty to own up to.

I have no pat answers - but, I do believe that pregnant women in crisis pregnancies deserve to be provided with more choices, valid information and be treated with a great deal more respect.

Check out Wraith's post on Denial - it's very thought-provoking, honest and well worth checking out! http://wraithsblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/denial.html

Are We Mothers So Different?

2006-02-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

"Some choices we live not once but a thousand times over, remembering for the rest of our lives." -- Richard Bach The decision to relinquish a child to adoption is one of those decisions. Birth and adoptive moms - are we such different beings? Really? Sometimes I hear statements from adoptive moms that boggle my brain and make me really wonder about how they truly perceive us. For instance, that old classic, "Oh, you must be so brave and courageous, I could never give my baby up." Huh? Give me a break! Honestly, do they actually believe that:

Birth Mothers are some sub culture with superhuman strength which allows them to place their babies when other women can't?
We are possessed with super cold hearts of steel that allow us to give our babies to strangers to raise with nary a glance back?
Birth mothers will have some tears after leaving their children and experience some pain for a short time and then heal?
I guess if we could have believed it, adoptive moms could still believe it too, huh?
Having another baby resolves the loss of the one we lost?

Granted, adoptive moms in general tend to be older and wealthier, but, are they always better "mother material" or is there something else involved?

How much of a factor does high self esteem play in the equation?
Does the fact that adoptive moms are more self-confident "entitle them" to a baby?

Here's the BIG difference though, I think that because some adoptive parents often do have their financial houses in order, are maybe older, they feel more "entitled" to parent a child - that they deserve a child. And pregnant women in crisis may feel less worthy and less deserving.

"Entitlement" - the concept that one mother feels that she "deserves" a baby more than another.

Are we really so different?
Do entitlement and self-esteem issues play a large part in who ends up parenting?
Is it reasonable that the person who has the strongest self-esteem and the most money is the "winner" and deserves the baby?
Or, should we, could we, help support a pregnant women so that she feels "entitled" and able to raise her own child?
What would be so wrong with that?
Why do we devalue the maternal child bond so much that we are so willing to encourage women to sever that bond?

Lots of questions - no answers.

Too Young to Leave Their Mothers? Puppies?

2006-02-02T23:41:00.000-08:00

As I was playing around tonight on the computer, in the background, I heard part of the nightly news - an exposé about some puppy mills that had been uncovered in the area. Sounded sad, talked about the horrific conditions, blah, blah, blah.Then I heard the reporter say, in a sad voice obviously trying to elicit sympathy and dramatize the situation, "and puppies have been found as young as 7 weeks old - much too young to be separated from their mothers". He went on to say that our state law does not allow puppies that young to be taken from their mothers. When I heard that I winced. Puppies need to stay with their mothers till they are 8 weeks old - we see a need for that - but, babies and mothers? So, we understand that it is cruel and not in the best interest of a puppy to be separated from its mother too soon? Puppies no? Babies yes? Can someone explain this to me? http://www.auburnjournal.com/articles/2006/01/04 /news/top_stories/02puppies04.txtOuch

Southern Women/Steel Magnolias

2006-02-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

"The biggest myth about Southern women is that we are frail types--fainting on our sofas...nobody where I grew up every acted like that. We were about as fragile as coal trucks." --Lee Smith Though I wasn't born in the South, I grew up there and consider myself now a Southerner and identify with the "steel magnolia" concept. The first time someone ever told me that I was strong was my therapist during my first year of reunion. When she made the comment, I was startled and taken aback. However, I am convinced now that she was right....and it feels good. Being strong doesn't mean I never cry, feel despair or anger at the loss of my son - it only means that I allow myself to feel those feelings when I need to - and then dust myself off and go on. I know now that those darkest times will pass - and that I can get past them - and go back to loving my life. As for the anger, I find ways to use it productively instead of allowing it to hurt me and those around me. Works most of the time. Reunion is a gift that my son bestowed on me which has allowed me to finally heal and embrace my life fully. I feel empowered and strong and at long last at peace. No longer do I want to forget the past and losing my son - both are now a part of me that I have incorporated into my life. I will remember always.

Adoptive Moms ARE Talking About Us

2006-02-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

Interesting reading - I think. http://granolacrunchy.blogspot.com/2006/01/some-thoughts-on-adoption-language-and.html

Faces of Reunion - My Son & I

2006-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

Last night he called to chat- my slim 6 ft. tall tow-headed cutiepie. Okay, he's not a bouncing baby boy now, but, I wasn't around for that part of his life. Like the "good" birth mother that I was, I walked away and never "bothered" anyone ever again. Until he found me a few years back, we knew little about each other. When we chat now on the phone, we talk about all the usual topics, laugh and joke around a lot, all very normal mother-son type stuff. Our conversations are fun, easy and comfortable. Because I am so involved in adoption related projects, we do talk about adoption issues at times. Mostly he tells me about his work, the women he's dating and cracks jokes often. Makes me laugh and giggle something outrageous. He is always on the go, high energy, in perpetual motion - genetics you know - and usually calls from his cell phone driving or walking on his way somewhere. DNA testing? Nah, we didn't need that! From our first phone call, our talks have flowed comfortably - no awkward lapses, just a mother and son talking about each other's lives. He never calls me his mom though, but, calls me by my first name. "Mom" is reserved for his other mother. Though it has been nearly 5 years now, I still marvel at each bit of contact we have. I never forget to enjoy and appreciate his presence in my life. It seems a near miracle to me that we know one another at all as his adoption was closed and our system of closed adoptions dictated that we were never to meet. It nearly takes my breath away now to think how much I would have missed - never to have known him. And, I know how fortunate I am that he was brave and curious enough to buck the system and find me. He enriches my life in such a powerful way and I love knowing him and finally being able to let him know that I care deeply about him. Closed adoptions - closed records - does this help explain why I am so opposed to both?

Being Found - For AdopteeAmy - At her Request

2006-01-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

As we age, many of the events which we experienced in years past, meld and blur and if we remember them at all, they may be hazy, indistinct memories. However, some life-altering events stay crisp and clear and can be recalled in a flash with such exquisite clarity that as we allow ourselves to recall them we almost transport ourselves back to that place and time. Each detail is etched into our brains and even to begin to go back to that time can fill us with powerful emotions. The days surrounding my son's relinquishment, though quite distant in time, and most fairly fuzzy in my memory, evoke some very distinct memories. There is a also a great deal about that time, that perhaps mercifully is still buried, and may never surface. It was bar none the most painfully excruciating time in my life - nothing else comes close. For me, the night I heard that my son was searching for me was also one of those rare and powerful moments. One warm California evening, as I walked in the back door to our home, my husband shoved a phone into my hand announcing, "It's for you". From the second I took the phone, I had an unexplained, but uneasy feeling about the call. A soft, gentle matronly voice came on the phone and began with, "You don't know me, but, I am calling from _____(the city where the adoption agency my son was relinguished to was located)". I felt my chest constrict and I nearly gasped as I stiffened and fear began to pump through me. Next, she asked me if my maiden name was____. "Yes," I slowly replied with a question in my voice. Then, she told me why she was calling. "I am a social worker and your son is searching for you." Okay, I did say that I remembered the event with great clarity, but, I have to tell you I do not recall what I said after that. Actually, I don't think I said anything. I was so stunned, I hadn't a clue what to say. Sarah, the SW just kept talking I believe. "Write down my name and phone number" she instructed me. Then she told me that while he wanted to be in touch with me; it was my decision. She suggested that I take a few days to think about what I wanted to do and then call her back and let her know what I had decided. I finally found my voice and firmly said, "No, I will call you back tomorrow." As our phone call progressed, I walked into our bedroom and sat on the end of the bed so that we could talk privately. After our call was completed, I hung up the phone and just sat on the bed for a few minutes almost frozen and numb. This may be hard for Amy to hear, but, I had spent a lifetime worrying about someone "finding out" that I had another son, a son that I had given away and not raised. "Given away" is no longer the politically correct term, but, that was how I experienced it, that's how it felt to me. I was deeply ashamed that I had not kept my son and raised him. No one was ever supposed to know what I had done. In nearly 32 years, I had never told a solitary soul - children- husbands, no one. I toyed with the idea of telling a few people that I had become close to over the years, but, I couldn't bear to take the risk. The fear of how they would see me - with certain loathing and disgust - was such a scary proposition. So, I kept all my feeling buried about my son and his adoption. Allowed myself to think of him as seldom as possible. To survive his loss, it was the only way that I knew how, not to think of him. Until the night I was found. Still mute and resting nearly frozen on the end of our bed I sat, then suddenly, I had a desperate need to move, to do something, anything. Needed to somehow try to normalize my current situation. I jumped up and slowly plodded across the grass and walked up the steps to my garden. On my way out of the house, my husband caught a glance at my ashen face and asked me if everything was okay. I lied and said that it was. Once I reached the garden, I grabbed the hose and began watering, it was a "normal" nightly activity for me and I thought it might help bring me back to reality. I couldn't think, I was in shock and felt almost disoriented as in a trance. After about 2 minutes, my composure shattered and I knew this was not destined to be a "normal" summer evening for me. It was anything but "normal" or usual. And then, I knew that I couldn't hold all those years of buried love and longing for my son in for an instant longer. As I threw down the hose and headed back across the lawn, the tears were by now streaming down my cheeks in a torrent. I walked into the house and found my husband and told him that I had something to tell him and that he'd probably hate me after I told him. By now, I was sobbing, choking and barely coherent as I began to explain what the phone call had been all about. I blurted out, "I had another son many years ago and I gave up him for adoption". Still sobbing, my husband reached over and took me in his arms and told me that it was okay, that I was very young when it had happened and that we would get through this. Next, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said that I had to be in touch with my son. There was no question in my mind - I felt that I had failed him once so many years ago and now no matter what, if he wanted or needed to know me now, I could not refuse his request. And finally, I knew too that being in touch with him was also what I wanted and needed. After my husband had been told, I explained to him that I needed some time to think. Then, I began to allow all those feelings that had been so buried for so many years to surface. Actually, I didn't really have much control, no control really, the emotions just all began to bubble up. Like a shaken champagne bottle suddenly uncorked - my buried feelings then spewed out. Comparing my emotions to an erupting volcano is also appropriate. On that night, my son suddenly became "real" to me - "my son" - I hadn't even allowed myself to think of him in that way. He was someone else's son - I thought he had been delivered to them as a blank slate - and would take on their traits and personality - and be theirs, exclusively, not mine in any way. I believed that - needed to. I knew nothing about his life from the time I left the hospital when he was days old. And now, nearly 32 years later, a stranger pronounced that he was "my son". I began to go back in time and all the corresponding feelings came back too - the good and the bad. First, I recalled how deliriously happy I had been when I was pregnant with him and how much I loved my son as he grew inside my expanding stomach. I remembered how excited and eager I was to be a mother again and how much I was looking forward to my baby being born. All babies have always been dear to me, but, none more so than my own. I looked forward to cuddling and rocking and enjoying my new little one. It was not to be. Next, I remembered being in the hospital and being afraid to even see my son, worried that I wouldn't be able to go through with giving him up. And last, I remembered being back at home after my son was born - without him. So, on the night I was found, all those feelings came rushing back - the love I had felt for my son - the eagerness to be his mother and care for him - the devastation of leaving the hospital without him - and all the dark days afterwards when I knew that I did not have my baby with me and would probably never see him again. My son is 36 years old now and the tears still flow when I remember that time. Tears are falling even now as I type and remember. That is just how significant losing a baby is - we don't forget, get over it or ever completely heal - our loss is too profound - like none other. We can and do go on and some of us manage to lead full and happy lives - but there is always something that lingers to remind us from time to time - and it is dark, horrible and exceedingly painful beyond belief when it comes to us. Never in one night have I had a wider range of varying emotions to deal with - and in the days to follow, there was more of the same and other new emotions erupted as well. As that evening continued, I was taken aback by the love for my son that came flowing back into my consciousness. I thought I had snuffed it out - I wanted to, it hurt too much to acknowledge it or that he was really my son. One phone call undid all my efforts to sever our bond and pretend that it did not matter. And then, I "got it" - I finally understood what losing my son really meant - how significant it was - and I knew it mattered more than I had ever been able to admit to myself. The hardest part of the whole evening was when it finally hit me - he was my beloved son - I gave him away - and I loved him so much that I should have found a way to have kept him. I finally understood that the bond between a mother and child is so sacred, strong and everlasting - that it should never be broken unless it is an absolute necessity. That overwhelming revelation finally sank it and all that I have discovered from other mothers who have lost children to adoption only cements my opinion about the harm that severing that bond causes. That maternal bond matters and yet we dismiss it way too easily and allow it to be severed and disregarded. And for what? To fill the hole another woman has. Makes no sense to me any longer. As that solitary night wore on, with the stunning guilt and grief also came excitement and joy at the thought of finally getting to know my son. After I began to believe and accept that he was my son - and always had been, I became eager and joyous at the thought of being in touch with him. What did he look like? Where was he? Was he happy? Was he married? What would he think of me? What would be be like. Most of all, I hoped that he had his father's heart. On that first night, when I was told that my son was searching, I felt bountiful joy, profound sadness, deep regret, self-loathing, high excitement, powerful fear, terror, numbness, confusion, love, longing - and I am certain that there are probably others I have missed. Enough conflicting feelings to dramatically affect even the strongest of people. That entire night was surreal to me. Everything else that had occurred in my life up to that point paled in comparision - that single night was nearly as dramatic as originally losing my son had been. It began my healing though - and as hard as that night was - and the first few years of my healing as we reconnected - finally getting to know my son has been one of the best experiences of my life. Ever since he found me, I wake up thankful that I can finally love and know him and let him know that I love him - always have and always will. I needed to be found and luckily my son was courageous enough and wise enough to find me and let me into his life and heart. Too many women do not understand how much peace reunion can add to their hearts and lives. They see only the disruption to their lives and the chore that building a relationship may be. Reunion is not for the weak; it is an enormous challenge. However, I feel grave sadness for women unable to take the risk. A life without the burden of all those lies and secrets is so much lighter. Releasing your demons is freeing. And above all else, living a life build on truth is a real life, not a facade of a life which masks pain, sadness and regret. Reunion is no magic panacea, but, it is a good beginning and I feel the best way for someone in a closed adoption to begin to heal and find some peace.

Closed Adoptions, Closed Hearts and Minds

2006-01-26T22:46:00.000-08:00

Hmm, this whole blog deal is a really interesting concept. I'd already decided that my next entry would include some gripes that I have about some adoptive parents I've encountered recently. However, a comment on my last entry from an adoptee mentioned that she was from a closed adoption has sidetracked me. Not to worry, I'll get back to my beefs with those adoptive parents later. You'll be waiting with bated breath, right? At any rate, she expressed the thought that she "disagreed that all adopted parents need to discuss the adoption and keep that in the forefront". Hmm, while I didn't actually say I felt that it needed to be kept in the forefront, actually, I do believe that it should be a frequent topic in any household that includes adopted children. I also feel strongly that in most cases birth families should also be a topic of conversation, even in a closed adoptions. Apparently, there are some who believe that closed adoptions in which neither adoption nor birth families are discussed are fine and dandy. That is quite contrary to what I currently believe. I never used to question the whole idea of closed adoptions much, actually not at all, until my own reunion with my son. Only when I finally dealt with my own adoption issues and met other triad members did the light suddenly flash on in my head. But, come to think of it, I did not even think of adoption much really until reunion. I had an extreme need NOT to think about adoption or the son that I had relinquished. It was just too painful to allow my mind to even go there, so I spent a great deal of energy trying not to. Actually, I was a quite adept at thinking about adoption and my son as infrequently as I possibly could. There is a concept called "denial" that I was positively masterful at. Eek, I said that nasty "D" word, so many people loathe! But, I know I was heavily into it and I will own it. Heck, I was so barricaded into that safe "birth mother" closet, it's a wonder, that it didn't take an entire army to drag me out of there kicking and screaming. All it took for me though, was the simple words, "You son has been searching for you". I burst out of my closet of denial so abruptly that it was like a gigantic and sudden explosion. One minute I was in safe denial, the next I was a whimpering, pathetic mass of nothing but raw feelings - out of the closet and totally exposed. No more safe closet. Sheer absolute reality stared me directly in the face and it was terrifying. I had another son and could not deny him any longer. But I digress, I'm talking about closed adoptions now, not reunion. After I popped out of the closet at reunion, the sheer horror of living for years without my son, smacked me like a speeding freight train. I had pretended that it did not matter - my son was not real to me - I didn't know his name or what he looked like or where he was. And, I thought that was the way it was supposed to be and that it was okay. And then suddenly I knew in a heartbeat, it wasn't okay any more. It wasn't all right that I'd lived for so long not knowing my son. Meeting other birth parents and adoptees who had experienced reunion and suddenly were faced with the stunning significance of their losses reinforced my own growing awareness of the folly of closed adoptions. I struggled for answers during those first few years or reunion - I needed to understand. So, I read, surfed the net, got therapy, went to support groups - totally immersed myself into the world of adoption. I desperately needed to make sense of closed adoptions. My final conclusion - there is no making sense of closed adoptions. There is no rational logical reason why they are necessary (in most cases) , nor do I believe them to be humane or moral. In fact, I now believe that closed adoptions are cruel, detrimental to the mental health of and not in the best interests of most children or their parents. I would venture to say that some adoptive parents might prefer closed adoptions and that the subject of adoption or birth family never come up. To "kill off" the birth family used to be standard procedure - sometimes stories were literally made up about them dying in car accidents. Mostly no one acknowledged that we existed. We were the mysterious unknown. I do understand that that not discussing adoption or birth families was most likely the norm during the closed adoptions of the 50s, 60s and 70s and that social workers led adoptive parents to believe that was the best course of action. So, for adoptive parents like my son's, I certainly harbor no ill will towards them or blame them because they probably did not talk much about adoption. Plus, in the closed adoptions of the past, adoptive parents had little if any information about birth families. Sometimes I think adoptees get a tad defensive when I say that I believe adoptive parents should discuss adoption if their adoptive parents did not do so. They try to assure me that it was okay that they didn't. Maybe it was, maybe not. I personally believe that it is generally healthier if adoptees (children or adults) are able to discuss both adoption and birth families with their adoptive families. On the other hand, I do not blame adoptive parents who did not know any better and just followed the dictates of the time period in which they were raising their children. Who can blame them if they followed the "best practices" of the day? Fact is though some of those "best practices" were little more than hare-brained idiotic ideas. Mostly adoptive parents in decades past though received little education about raising their children and some of what they were told was rubbish in my opinion. For instance, "treat them as they were your own and they will be fine". Hmm, pretend that raising an adopted child does not present any different issues? A very bad idea. I believe many adoptive parents eventually felt they had somehow failed when their children weren't always "fine", wanted to know about their "past" or birth families, weren't carbon copies of them, but, perhaps more like birth family and/or experienced entirely normal adoption related issues. And then, heaven forbid when their children started searching! That act has caused many an adoptive parent to wonder what on earth they did "wrong". Luckily, some adoptive parents, even from my son's generation knew that curiosity about us, the other family, was entirely normal and not a reflection on their parenting or their children's love for them. In the current climate, however, I do not feel particularly tolerant towards those adoptive parents who still want closed adoptions, no contact, no mention of adoption or birth family. Past generations may not have known any better. Currently, there is too much available information that indicates the archaic practices of the past were flawed and should be cast aside. Closed adoptions were a failed experiment and many of us are now living with its painful by-products. I know some adoptees say that they think it was better for them not to know their birth families until they became adults, and maybe in some rare cases that may be true. And some adoptees defend their parents and say that they are glad that no one mentioned that they were adopted because then they didn't feel "different". Fact is though, the reality was, that they were "different" - their genetic make-up was not the same as the family who raised them. Different does not mean less or not as good as though. We are not all the same - that is not necessarily a negative. Bottom line, I think closed adoptions are barbaric, inhumane and cruel - and above all else - do not serve the best interests of our children - whose interests should always be paramount. Perhaps there are some situations when an adoption needs to be closed, but, I believe those instances to be rare. Soooo, that leads us then to open adoptions....a whole 'nother can of worms....a discussion for another time.

Adoptive Parents - How I Feel About Them

2006-01-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

I know this will come up soon - so, I'm going to tackle this issue right now. Before I even say much and get angry comments from adoptive parents implying that I hate all adoptive parents. Honestly, I know it is inevitable. Here's my position on adoptive parents - right up front. There are some good ones and some horrible ones - just like birth parents - we are not all woven from the same cloth. I do not hate all adoptive parents or believe that they are all baby-snatching, evil beings. As a matter of fact, one of my closest friends is an adoptive mom and she's a very decent person. And, I have nothing but much love, respect and admiration for my son's adoptive mom. I suspect she feels the same about me. She encourages my adoption reform work and praises me for my efforts. We've met only once - a year or two ago, but, we stay in touch via email - and have never had a cross word pass between us. I know her to be a kind and loving person. She is pleased for our son and I that we have reconnected. Our son's adoption was a closed one, so it took over 30 years for us to meet though. I understand those with open adoptions may have a more difficult relationship with adoptive parents. Though I do sometimes have harsh words for adoptive parents, I am tough on birth parents too at times. Here's the deal, I love children and have been involved with them in various ways my entire life. In addition to having raised two children, I've taught pre-school and Sunday school, been a Brownie Leader and been involved in various volunteer groups that help children. So, I care deeply and passionately about children. Therefore, I jump on adoptive parents at times when they do not acknowledge that adopted children may have some unique issues to deal with. For instance, adoptive parents that don't encourage conversations about birth family and adoption, that do not tell their children that they are adopted from day one, that do not encourage their children to have contact with or search for birth family - all those actions are big no-no's in my world. And the reason that they are is not because I am a birth parent, but, because I am an advocate for children. Note my buddy, Wraith's blog, and read his Recommendations for Adoptive Parents. http://wraithsblog.blogspot.com/ He knows what growing up adopted feels like. Didn't have a horrible miserable time growing up or a terrible adoptive family, but, he knows that adoption has and does affect his life. I also take birth parents to task at times too - when I feel that their behavior is not what is best for their children. When either birth or adoptive parents do not live up to their commitments in open adoptions, I feel strongly that it hurts the children. Maybe I sound like I am harder on adoptive parents, but, they have the power, the child to raise, and yes, I believe they should be in a position to have some extra compassion for the birth family. Birth mothers particularly have a tough time in open adoptions at times because honoring their commitments to their child often becomes extremely painful. I understand that and keep that in mind. So, keep in mind if you are an adoptive parent reading my blog, I do not hate all adoptive parents, but I do hate how some handle the subject of adoption with their children. I hate when I hear that adoptive parents close adoptions, guilt their children into not searching or having contact with birth family - because I think those acts are bad for the adoptees - as children or adults. And, I have seen first hand by meeting adoptees whose parents have not handled their adoptions well how it has affected them - and it hurts me and makes me angry. Just as it makes adoptive parents angry or hurt to see how some birth families abuse or treat their children poorly. Maybe I haven't sufficient tolerance for bad, thoughtless, uneducated or any practices which I believe are harmful to either adopted children or adults. Actually though, I am glad that injustices still stir my soul and inspire me to work to make changes for the better. I'm not going to jump all over the place defending myself every time an adoptive parents take offense at my words. So, that's where I am coming from - just so you know. For my birth mom buds, I agree with you more than not, but, the softest spot in my heart is for adoptees and I will defend their positions more vigorously than any other position in the triad. Being relinquished was not their choice and I feel that entitles them to more leeway, tolerance, compassion and understanding that anyone else in the triad. Ominous sounding for adoptive parents? Not my intent, but, I do have some gripes about some adoptive parents that I want to address soon. So, that's why I wanted to set the record straight before I begin.

Cookie's Crumbs - Adoption Talk

2006-01-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

Here goes, the birth of another blog - written by a mother who relinquished a child to adoption. I nearly called myself a "birth mom", but, changed my mind. Yeah, I know "a mother who relinquished a child to adoption" is pretty verbose, but come to think of it, that just makes it all the more appropriate for me. I do tend to be pretty long-winded at times - especially when I am talking about adoption. Sometimes I do use the term "birth mom" as two words to describe the type of mother I am to the son I relinquished so many years ago. As two words, one is describing a type of mother. The term "birthmother" however, I avoid like the plague. In my head, it sounds too much like some kind of a mysterious entity, not a mother of any kind, but, a "babymaker", someone whose role in life is not to parent children, but, merely to create them for others to raise. Doesn't fit for me - maybe for some it does. I've toyed with all the other possibilities at times - "first" mom, "natural" mom, "life" mom or "bio" mom. None really seemed to fit for me, but, hey, I figure that we can all call ourselves whatever we want. And, I do get a tad testy when people try to impose their "correct" terms on me. There's actually alot in adoption that I get testy about. You'll see! Oh, for the record, I am a reunited mom. And before anyone wants to chastise me for hunting down my kid, that's not how we came to reconnect. He found me. Actually, after forking over $500 to the agency that handled his adoption, THEY found me. Don't get the wrong idea, you'll find no one who is a biggger advocate of search and reunion than I am. That's mainly due to the fact that I know enough adoptees who would be thrilled to be found. So, I routinely encourage either adoptees or birth family members to search and reunite if possible. Reunion has the potential to be a really positive experience and I think it is worth the risks. Lately, I have been lurking around and reading other blogs by mothers who relinquished children to adoption ("MWRACTA"). And, last Saturday, I had the pleasure of meeting Faux Cloud off-line, in the flesh, at an adoption conference. (We had gotten to know each other a bit first on-line.) I walked into the conference site, glanced around, saw this beautiful young woman with a great smile and next thing I knew we were hugging. Okay, to be honest, we did exchange photos before hand. Though I think just describing our hair to each other would have been enough. We both have somewhat unique hair I would say. She rocks - I like her alot and enjoy her writing! Earlier as I was reading another MWRACTA blog, someone (was it Kim?) mentioned how the blogging moms express themselves in different ways. Some discuss their personal experiences, some focus on adoption reform, and many do both. About two years ago, a friend of mine invited me to speak to her college ethics class about adoption. Before we headed over to her classroom, she introduced me to someone in her office and said that I was an adoption reform activist. It startled me - the label - but, the more I thought about it, I realized that hmm, she was right! Didn't set out to become an activist, and being that I am a grandma, I'm a bit old for the role, but, somehow, life does at times take unexpected paths. So, I'm warning you, I have lots of strong opinions about adoption and will share many of them here. Sheesh, that sounds ominous, I'm not a raving lunatic, just blunt at times and very vocal. I have been super active in the adoption community for only a couple of years. Prior to that, I was still in the safe confines of my "birth mother closet". Now that I am out though, I have come out in a BIG way and have been very public about my status as a birth mother. Looking forward to getting to know many of you other MWRACTAs (birth/natural/first moms, that is)!