Mothers and Sons

My face is glowing - talking to either of my sons is always a welcome event, and I just talked to Chris via telephone.

That's him in the photo - kiteboarding last year in Brazil. Thrill-seeker? Adventuresome? Oh yeah, just like his mom. Well.....like one of his moms at least, namely me. If he reads this blog, I may be in trouble for calling myself his "mom." His "mom" is the mother who raised him, not me, and he might not take kindly to having me call myself his mother.

It's okay, I don't think he reads my blog, and I know none of you will tell on me, right?

“I’m getting a dog,” he told me. I asked what kind, and if he’d ever had a dog before as an adult. Next, he told me that his dog was born already, and he’d met it but couldn’t take it home yet. “Oh, right,” I thought, we know better than to separate mother dogs and puppies too early. In fact, we are so convinced that puppies need to stay with their mothers for a time after birth, some states have discussed laws to outlaw separating puppies and mothers too soon. However, I didn’t mention any of this to my son. I thought about it a lot though - it does steam me that our society sees nothing wrong with unnecessarily separating human moms and babies - even moments after birth. Yet, puppies and their mothers, we treat with more consideration.

Six years have passed now since he found me, and I feel good about how our relationship has developed. Do I wish that he wanted to see me more often? Would I be thrilled to have more communication from him? Would it feel wonderful to feel that he needed me more? Will I ever feel really comfortable and certain that I matter to him as much as I wish that he did?

Yes, yes, yes...To the last question, I really don't know. I believe that he gives me as much of himself as he can or wants. I know that he shares a lot more with me than many adoptees do with their "other" mothers (i.e. first/natural/birth moms). And, I do know on a good day that I matter to him.

I will probably always yearn for more. But for now, I know that I am fortunate to have the closeness and affection for each other that we do have. It is real, enduring and mostly feels like enough. When I feel yearnings for more, I remind myself that we have so much more than many reunited birth/first parents and their children.

Besides, I want to be at peace. To be there, I need to live in reality and face life honestly - finally! To do that, it is necessary to accept our relationship as it really is and be satisfied. Acceptance - it is a difficult goal to achieve in adoption, but on most days I feel that I have succeeded and I am grateful for the relationship that my son Chris and I now have.

Coffee and Adoption?

Last week, as I was checking out the Yahoo headlines - yes, folks, I admit most of my news comes from Yahoo - I came across an article entitled "Tired of the Same-Old Caffeine Routine." I clicked and found some tasty sounding recipes for tea and coffee drinks. As I browsed through the comments, I noticed comment no. 8 posted by Cindybin. Here's part of her post verbatim:

"I belong to the LDS Church and coffee is against my religion where we have what we believe to be direct revelation from Heavenly Father saying that coffee, tea, alcohol, etc are not for the body.... "

I had to laugh, in fact I snickered at happening upon this comment in the midst of a discussion about yummy coffee drinks. Several thoughts came to mind - not all nice and suitable to share.

The LDS religion apparently has gotten heavenly revelations about God's intentions for pregnant single women as well. Fortunately, I have been told that pregnant LDS single teens are not still forced to "choose" adoption - well, at least not all the time. Changes often happen slowly, but I see many obvious signs that pregnant, single LDS moms still receive plenty of pressure to place their babies for adoption. (If you happen to be LDS, my intent is is not to slam your religion. I just hate the LDS adoption doctrines.)

Adoption and coffee - who but me could link the two? I have been told that I can connect nearly any topic to adoption - it's probably true too! So back to the coffee story, can anyone help but wonder why an anti-caffeine zealot is reading coffee recipes? Maybe she thought the story would offer a better non-caffeine option? Was it a missionary opportunity for her?

Further in the comments, another reader (commenter 30) said "Please stop doing your part in helping to equate "religious" with "fanaticism" in the minds of many." Religion and adoption is a subject I probably will not tackle soon. I have such extremely strong opinions on the subject. (What me, strong opinions? Hah!)

Bottom line - if we can't even talk about coffee without a snag or two - is it any wonder that adoption discussions often turn into nasty frays?

In case you want to verify my quotes, or check out coffee recipes etc. here's the link!

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/themagicalmeltingpot/1005/tired-of-the-same-old-caffeine-routine