More About Birth Mom Pride - For Kim

Clarifying Birth Mom Pride For a woman who sees adoption as the only way that she can protect her child from harm and unselfishly chooses adoption, even knowing that it will hurt her, I certainly give her a great deal of credit. I can also see why she might be proud that she did what she felt was right. Should she feel proud that she chose her child's best interest over her own? Absolutely. Should she be proud of herself for being a birth mom though? I don't think I can attach being a birth mom as a positive experience. Heck, I know I can't. I cannot praise the concept of "being a birth mom" - I just can't. I do not want anyone to ever think I believe it is a good decision. Sometimes it may be, but, I believe it should be a last resort. Some birth moms may rightfully be proud that they “did the right thing”. And of course, I agree that they have every right to be proud that they did what they needed to keep their child safe and try to insure a safe, healthy happy family for their child. I would never second guess another woman’s decision and tell her that she should feel badly for it – I do not believe I know what is best for everyone. I would not presume to tell another woman how she SHOULD feel. What I object to is adoption workers and some adoptive parents praising a woman (that they really don’t even know at all sometimes)for placing her child for adoption. I object to telling her how brave, wise and courageous, not even knowing her at all, for choosing adoption. They are taking advantage of her by praising her so that she will give her baby to them. Tell a woman who is considering parenting that she is brave and courageous instead. Encourage her and let her know how much better for her child to be raised by her than strangers. Boost her ego, help her find parenting classes, resources to help her take care of her child. Praise women more for keeping their children - even when it may seem hard to do. Kim's circumstances were drastically different from mine. Now, I feel brave and strong, but, I didn’t back then. How many women are brave and wise though in their late teens and early 20’s? I understand the influences that most of us were under. Few of us could withstand the pressures enough to keep our children. I have met women much older and were wiser than many of us who were still duped by all the sophisticated brainwashing techniques many agencies practice. Societial myths and mistruths about the realities of adoption muddle the picture too. What I strongly object to is the generalizations that all birth moms are unselfish, brave and courageous. I object to agencies, social workers, and yes, even adoptive parents at times, telling a woman that they don’t even know, how brave, etc. she is. Maybe she is, maybe not. The reason I object to it is that I know they are telling her how wonderful she is, because they want another baby available to adopt. We value babies because people want to adopt them and of course it is great to value the life of a baby. What value are we placing on their mothers though? I object to a woman who has relinquished extolling the wonders of relinquishment and telling other young women that it is a noble and brave decision. It may be, but, it may also be an attempt to take the "easy way out". Funny thing is - the easy way out doesn't really pan out like many of us expect that it will. In the long run the adoption decision often turns out to be a regrettable mistake, not for all, but some. I am with Claud in this opinion, I cannot tell generally a pregnant woman that I think adoption is a decision that she should make. UNLESS she presents a danger to the child and fears that she might harm her child, I would not recommend that she follow in our footsteps. If she has untreatable drug, alcohol or abuse problems, maybe adoption might be better for her child. Only in the direst circumstances would I tell her adoption might be the best choice for her. We sometimes seem to value a baby over a mother. I wish we valued women more and tried to help women decide what is best for both her and her child. Instead, because we want her baby, we focus solely on the baby, and ignore her. We don't try to figure out enough what relinquishing her baby may do to her. We do not try to help her keep her baby if that's what she wants. She is expendable - we want and need her baby - not her. I have nothing but the deepest empathy, compassion and understanding for birth mothers - whatever reason they relinquished. However, I would rather a woman feel proud of herself for who she is today, than because she became a birth mom. I only get to decide how I feel though - no one else. I object to associating pride and courage with birth moms because it sends the message that giving up a baby is a good thing. In some rare cases, maybe, but, I would rather much send the message out that it is NOT a good thing. Because I do not believe that adoption generally is the best solution to an unplanned pregnancy. Sheesh, I have worked with lawyers too long - I've learned to say the same thing in a million different ways. Clear enough though?