Jenna and I - Decades Apart - Thinking Alike

Something struck me as I was reading Jenna's blog - http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.wordpress.com/2006/03/ Jenna and I are decades apart - she's younger than even my youngest child and only 8 years older than my oldest grandson, but, there is so much about adoption that we agree on: 1. Adoption Network Law Center is evil - one of the most opportunistic and wicked adoption agencies on the Web. They prey on young vulnerable pregnant women in the worst possible ways. They brag about spending a million a year on "birthmother marketing". Look in the dictionary under "unethical", "coercive", "ruthless", "greedy" and they'll be there!

"Over 1 million dollars spent in Birthmother marketing annually Most matches occur within 9 months The “Adoption Network Commitment” - insurance protection Safe and confidential adoption services Adoption Network Law Center’s qualified adoption staff is available 24/7 Non-residents can finalize adoptions in California Adoption Network Law Center is results driven! Adoption Network Law Center aggressively reaches out to more Birthmothers. Unlike many state-regulated agencies, Adoption Network Law Center is not confined by stringent state-mandated budget restrictions. In fact, Adoption Network Law Center spends over $1,000,000 in advertising for Birthmothers annually. As a result of these extensive advertising and outreach efforts, most matches are made in less than 9 months. With a track record like that, it is no wonder hundreds of families turn to Adoption Network Law Center each year to help realize their adoption dreams.

And then there is Gladney! BIG YUCK!!! New luxury quarters to live in, trips to the mall, a pool....ding, ding, ding....but, yes, folks, there is a catch! You gotta give 'em your baby to get to hang out there in their "home". They'll pamper you like queens as long as your baby's unborn, but, then....you're outta there...they don't need you anymore. 2. Adoptive parents who want to pretend that a child that they adopt has only set of parents should not adopt. It is wrong to pretend that a child of adoption's birth parents do not exist and/or matter. 3. We agree that women consider adoption are given misleading information about how it will feel later on - to be without your child - the child that you carried for nine months and gave birth to. And, I think I can also safely say, that we both agree how wrong that is. It's sorta like this - you go to buy a car, a house, anything - you're told only how great it is - and will be forever. Maybe it has a few minor little problems that they downplay. Then you drive the car for awhile, live in the house for awhile and find out - they freaking lied to you about the car or the house. Those "minor" problems turned out to be HUGE. They neglected to tell you about all the other defects the car or house really have - and how all those horrible problems can harm you - drive you bananas - maybe the awful problems with the car can cause you to have a serious accident in it - living in the house with all its defects will make you miserable. So, you were lied to and you can sue those buggers! No problem. Prove that they did not disclose a real defect and you have it made. What happens though when you are lied to about adoption - sold a bill of goods - there were nothing more than a pack of horrible lies. Or failed to disclose some really important facts - like how it feels later to lose your child? What can you do about that? Nada, zilch - so sad, too bad. You should have known, you didn't want your kid anyway, your child will be better off with....The damage to your life will probably be way worse than any affects that house or car that you can sue for will be. So, why is it that adoption agencies can blatantly lie through their teeth and get away with it? With no consequences? Why is that? Jenna said:

The whole, “You’ll be sad but you’ll move on,” crap is, well, crap. But I didn’t know any different. How could I? It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child. While things may work out in the end, nothing will ever, ever be the same again. (Though, nothing is the same when you parent, either, but there isn’t a sense of overwhelming loss and “What the $*#! did I DO?!) (Caught myself again.)

It is crap to imply that you will be sad for awhile, but, that's it. And to not warn you about how you will feel when you hit that WTF moment as Claud so wonderfully describes it. Full disclosure - you have to provide that when you sell a house, why not when you give your baby up to adoption? Ah, one thing Jenna and I don't agree on. She knows open adoptions, I know closed. I do fault and question adoptive parents who now in 2006 still want closed adoptions. Knowing their boundaries is no excuse - not when we know that open adoptions are generally better for children. What is best for children should ALWAYS be what comes first. I say if you don't want an open adoption, keep doing what some women already do - go to some foreign country and get a baby whose history is already obliterated OR just don't adopt if you can not handle the idea of your child having another family. Adopted children always do have birth families. We are getting stronger and no longer willing to remain as ghosts in the shadows. We are beginning to learn that our children want and need to know us and that will continue and become more and more the norm. Closed adoptions are relics of the past - and except in rare and extreme cases - there is no good reason for them. Closed adoption are inhumane, cruel, immoral and have harmed too many people for too long - adoptees and birth parents. They are just plain wrong and should almost never be allowed to happen. The fact that some adoptive parents are too insecure and afraid to deal with birth families and want to pretend birth families do not exist are not valid enough reasons for closed adoptions to continue. Okay, I know, I am ranting now - but, I've been bursting lately wanting to talk. How do you mama bears feel when you see articles about financing for adoptions? WHAT? If I want our government or anyone to throw money somewhere, I want it to go to keep families together. I do not think money should influence someone to relinquish or adopt. BUT, if someone cannot afford to adopt, why should we give them money to do so? Why not use our dollars to keep families together? If we tell pregnant women to relinquish if they cannot afford to parent, why don't we tell adoptive parents who cannot afford to adopt a newborn to either adopt from foster care or not at all? Why are we so gung ho to help people adopt, but, do so little to help women keep and raise their own babies? And, if I hear one more adoptive parent talk about what a shame is that adoption isn't offered more as an option, I will really lose it! Where are these folks who think adoption isn't promoted like crazy hanging out? Do they surf the web? - they couldn't. Do they look at the phone book? Nah, impossible. Do they watch those sappy, sickening shows on t.v. that promote adoption? Have they been to a so-called crisis pregnancy center? http://www.cnsnews.com/Nation/archive/200203/NAT20020301b.html You know those crisis pregnancy centers that are religiously based and often closely associated with adoption agencies. The ones that list the affects of abortion as ones we are know are more closely associated in reality with adoption. Honestly, where in the heck are these adoptive moms hanging out? How do they miss all those disgusting ads about finding the "perfect" family that we keep seeing? (I know there are some wonderful few adoptive moms (or moms to be), Gwen, Susan, Anfrindie, Manuela - who have I missed? - but, you are so rare! I am not talking about you all.) P.S. My boss said to say hi (from Job) to you all! He's loving the fact that I am actually working hard again now that I am not spending time at work with adoption stuff!