"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE
Grateful that I did not raise my son is something that I never will be. And, I am disgusted that we still expect women who place babies for adoption to be then ignored, dismissed or ridiculed when they do not "get over" the trauma as society expects that they should. To also treat those who are adopted in similar ways is deplorable to me as well. The whole way my friend Wraith's search has been handled from nearly day one angers me no end.
I have mentioned that during that first year of reunion, I cried daily and that my all-time record was three times in one day. At reunion, the enormity of the loss of my son hit me like a swirling tornado.
Prior to that time, I hadn't allowed myself to think about him too much; it was inevitable though that I did some. However, when I thought of him, it hurt so badly, I thought at times that I'd fall into a deep hole never to return. I worried that the pain would swallow me up and destroy me. So, I mastered the skill of burying my head in the sand and pretending instead.
Pretending that I had one son, not two, pretending that I had "done the right thing" and was okay, pretending that adoption was okay and pretending that my son was solely someone else's son, not mine. Being found changed everything. Once I stopped pretending - the reality of what I had done by allowing my son to be adopted brought me to my knees literally and figuratively. I went to church for the first time in years and down on my kneels prayed that I could survive.
All the feelings I had buried so many years finally rushed to the surface and I couldn't pretend any longer. I am glad though - as excruciating as experiencing those feelings was, I needed those feelings to surface to be able to reconnect with my son. If I had been able to quash those feelings, not that I even tried, I might never had reconnected with my son. I would have been like some moms who do not allow themselves to reconnect with their children.
I had no choice though. I did not intentionally summon my feelings of loss, longing and love for my son. There was no bravery involved on my part. It just happened - the feelings and the urgent desire to reconnect with my son. The timing just happened to be right.
All I did was allow those powerful and primal feelings to live and exist and finally be heard. I am thankful that I could and did. I am so grateful that finally I allowed those feelings and my son into my heart.
During year two, I still cried pretty frequently, though I did manage to skip a day or two every so often. At times, I would walk in the door after work with a streaked face having cried all the way home from work. My husband would sadly look at me and ask if it was about him (my son) AGAIN. And I'd nod. Finally one night, I told my husband not to be sad for me, that I needed to grieve and get my sorrow out.
And now, I am approaching Year 5, so I don't need to cry as much anymore. For myself at least. But, I still think about the tragic legacy of closed adoptions (or any adoption) on a nearly daily basis. Sometimes I am moved to tears when I hear of other's sad and hurtful challenges in adoption.
Mostly these days I am hurting more for those I care about. Those in closed and open adoptions who are being jerked about, disrespected and treated like lesser beings. Those who are searching and hitting one brick wall after another. Those mothers still stuck in their protective shields of denial. Sometimes it just gets to me and I cry.
And I wonder, what will it take for people to understand?
- To know that to send mothers out into the world and expect that they don't need to know about their children is wrong;
- To know that to coerce, cajole, pressure, call it what you will into giving your baby to others to raise is wrong;
- To refuse to allow adopted people to have information about their roots and birth families is wrong;
- To know that the way we currently "do" adoption in the U.S. and in much of the world is harming so many people and needs to change?
What is the "Tipping Point" to turn around adoption? What will it take? All I know to do is to keep speaking out - and hope some day enough people listen and take the greedy predators out of adoption and make adoption better - alot better.
The drawing above was done by my granddaughter. It is a picture of me (Gram) and her. I like to think that she made my heart extra large because she sees me as having a big heart. We have a very warm and fun relationship. After she was born, I was one of the first persons to hold her and she is very special to me. So, being "Gram" to her and her two brothers as well is a very significant role for me.
Another way that my life is defined other than being a "birth mom" is my role as a wife. My husband is an amazing person. He is kind, thoughtful, loving and incredibly supportive of anything I undertake. I figure to have this wonderful man loving me, and treating me like such a princess, I have to be doing something right! Therefore, my role as a wife is ultra important to me too.
Like Kim, so many roles I play define me. I have a ton of interests and hobbies - nature, hiking, birds, travel, crafts, photography, writing and reading. I am a legal assistant/secretary and a notary.
There's a great deal more to my life than JUST being a birth mom!
