Are We Mothers So Different?

"Some choices we live not once but a thousand times over, remembering for the rest of our lives." -- Richard Bach The decision to relinquish a child to adoption is one of those decisions. Birth and adoptive moms - are we such different beings? Really? Sometimes I hear statements from adoptive moms that boggle my brain and make me really wonder about how they truly perceive us. For instance, that old classic, "Oh, you must be so brave and courageous, I could never give my baby up." Huh? Give me a break! Honestly, do they actually believe that:

• Birth Mothers are some sub culture with superhuman strength which allows them to place their babies when other women can't?
• We are possessed with super cold hearts of steel that allow us to give our babies to strangers to raise with nary a glance back?
• Birth mothers will have some tears after leaving their children and experience some pain for a short time and then heal?
• I guess if we could have believed it, adoptive moms could still believe it too, huh?
• Having another baby resolves the loss of the one we lost?

Granted, adoptive moms in general tend to be older and wealthier, but, are they always better "mother material" or is there something else involved?

• How much of a factor does high self esteem play in the equation?
• Does the fact that adoptive moms are more self-confident "entitle them" to a baby?

Here's the BIG difference though, I think that because some adoptive parents often do have their financial houses in order, are maybe older, they feel more "entitled" to parent a child - that they deserve a child. And pregnant women in crisis may feel less worthy and less deserving.

"Entitlement" - the concept that one mother feels that she "deserves" a baby more than another.

• Are we really so different?
• Do entitlement and self-esteem issues play a large part in who ends up parenting?
• Is it reasonable that the person who has the strongest self-esteem and the most money is the "winner" and deserves the baby?
• Or, should we, could we, help support a pregnant women so that she feels "entitled" and able to raise her own child?
• What would be so wrong with that?
• Why do we devalue the maternal child bond so much that we are so willing to encourage women to sever that bond?

Lots of questions - no answers.

Too Young to Leave Their Mothers? Puppies?

As I was playing around tonight on the computer, in the background, I heard part of the nightly news - an exposé about some puppy mills that had been uncovered in the area. Sounded sad, talked about the horrific conditions, blah, blah, blah.Then I heard the reporter say, in a sad voice obviously trying to elicit sympathy and dramatize the situation, "and puppies have been found as young as 7 weeks old - much too young to be separated from their mothers". He went on to say that our state law does not allow puppies that young to be taken from their mothers. When I heard that I winced. Puppies need to stay with their mothers till they are 8 weeks old - we see a need for that - but, babies and mothers? So, we understand that it is cruel and not in the best interest of a puppy to be separated from its mother too soon? Puppies no? Babies yes? Can someone explain this to me? http://www.auburnjournal.com/articles/2006/01/04 /news/top_stories/02puppies04.txtOuch

Southern Women/Steel Magnolias

"The biggest myth about Southern women is that we are frail types--fainting on our sofas...nobody where I grew up every acted like that. We were about as fragile as coal trucks." --Lee Smith Though I wasn't born in the South, I grew up there and consider myself now a Southerner and identify with the "steel magnolia" concept. The first time someone ever told me that I was strong was my therapist during my first year of reunion. When she made the comment, I was startled and taken aback. However, I am convinced now that she was right....and it feels good. Being strong doesn't mean I never cry, feel despair or anger at the loss of my son - it only means that I allow myself to feel those feelings when I need to - and then dust myself off and go on. I know now that those darkest times will pass - and that I can get past them - and go back to loving my life. As for the anger, I find ways to use it productively instead of allowing it to hurt me and those around me. Works most of the time. Reunion is a gift that my son bestowed on me which has allowed me to finally heal and embrace my life fully. I feel empowered and strong and at long last at peace. No longer do I want to forget the past and losing my son - both are now a part of me that I have incorporated into my life. I will remember always.

Adoptive Moms ARE Talking About Us

Interesting reading - I think. http://granolacrunchy.blogspot.com/2006/01/some-thoughts-on-adoption-language-and.html

Faces of Reunion - My Son & I

Last night he called to chat- my slim 6 ft. tall tow-headed cutiepie. Okay, he's not a bouncing baby boy now, but, I wasn't around for that part of his life. Like the "good" birth mother that I was, I walked away and never "bothered" anyone ever again. Until he found me a few years back, we knew little about each other. When we chat now on the phone, we talk about all the usual topics, laugh and joke around a lot, all very normal mother-son type stuff. Our conversations are fun, easy and comfortable. Because I am so involved in adoption related projects, we do talk about adoption issues at times. Mostly he tells me about his work, the women he's dating and cracks jokes often. Makes me laugh and giggle something outrageous. He is always on the go, high energy, in perpetual motion - genetics you know - and usually calls from his cell phone driving or walking on his way somewhere. DNA testing? Nah, we didn't need that! From our first phone call, our talks have flowed comfortably - no awkward lapses, just a mother and son talking about each other's lives. He never calls me his mom though, but, calls me by my first name. "Mom" is reserved for his other mother. Though it has been nearly 5 years now, I still marvel at each bit of contact we have. I never forget to enjoy and appreciate his presence in my life. It seems a near miracle to me that we know one another at all as his adoption was closed and our system of closed adoptions dictated that we were never to meet. It nearly takes my breath away now to think how much I would have missed - never to have known him. And, I know how fortunate I am that he was brave and curious enough to buck the system and find me. He enriches my life in such a powerful way and I love knowing him and finally being able to let him know that I care deeply about him. Closed adoptions - closed records - does this help explain why I am so opposed to both?