Proud to be a Birth Mom - Part 2
Proud to be a birth mom? Never! What's there to be proud about? I got pregnant without thinking about the consequences and then gave my baby away. If I had been courageous, I'd have fought harder to keep my son.
There are many things that I am proud of;
Proud that I survived losing my son;
Proud that when he found me I had the strength to have contact with him;
Proud that I raised two other children well;
Proud that I never took refuge in drugs or alcohol;
Proud that at reunion, I knew I needed help and sought it out;
Proud that I speak out now and hope to have some part in educating people - about what needs to change in adoption including open records.
But, proud for being a birth mom? Not on my list - and being a birth mom should not be something to be proud of. Doesn't mean a birth mom can't and shouldn't be proud of herself for other things - just not that. I know many amazing, bright, courageous, brave, outspoken and caring birth moms - women who are the strongest and most caring women on earth. When they relinquished though, most were not strong and they'd be the first ones to tell you that. Most birth moms I know do not feel they deserve praise for what they did.
I am proud of the person I am today, but, I will forever be ashamed of not raising my older son. I hate thinking I was ever that weak - that I allowed his adoption. God puts babies in the right tummies; we're just too stupid/weak/in denial/uniformed, etc. sometimes to accept our babies and cherish, love and raise them. We circumvent nature when we give our babies to others to raise - and the price we (and often our children) is high.
Birth moms need to forgive themselves and be forgiven by others. People need to understand that relinquishing a baby is often an act of desperation, rarely one of courage and bravery. We do not need to be, nor should we be praised, but, neither should we be condemmed either.
I wish people would see birth moms as "normal" people. Birth moms are not devils, Adoptive moms are not saints. There is good and bad in all of us. I made a horrible error in judgment when I allowed my son's adoption - I freely admit that. Except for murder, there's not much worse in my mind. I messed up big time - but, I can't change the past and shouldn't be judged forever for one single act so many years ago.
Women are not supposed to give birth for others, IMHO - it is morally reprehensible and repugnant to me to believe that is the case. I hate the idea of praising a woman because she did not have an abortion just cause it means another baby on the market available for adoption. Proud to be a birth mom? No way!!!!!!
posted by Cookie @ 10:20 PM
13 Comments:
Oh...yes, yes, yes...thank you for understanding what I ment and going further with it!! Thank you for saying what I could not..
I have missed you!! Are you coming to NY in September?? Think chocolate!
I <3 cookie!
Ah, Claud,I think we're pretty much on the same wave length when it comes to adoption (and chocolate)!
I've been missing you too - still reading your blog - but not saying much.
Wish I could come in Sept - too many other trips in the works though!
Thank you again. Your voices are the ones that are going to change adoption, no doubt in my mind about that.
Well I am proud that I had the strength to put her in a safe place away from my family and that she grew up in a loving and nurturing environment. Why am I not allowed to be proud that I did that?
I am not proud that I wasn't strong enough to stand up to my family or to have super human strength as an 18 year old girl with no support but I am proud that I had the courage to do what I did.
It doesn't mean I am pro-adoption it doesn't mean that I would do it again either. But for me I think it's ok to be proud for having survived something so painful and traumatic.
And yes I am proud to be Kim anyway!
Well I republished your story of your reunion on my blog. I am proud to be among the most powerful group of women out there. I too have missed you. Scroll down a little bit and you will see my husband and my daughter. So if she is lurking out there in blogworld, she will definitely see what she is missing.
Kim, again, next Wed. I will respond in a longer way.
Feeling proud of oneself is a good thing - and I know you have much to be proud of.
It is more than okay to have survived something so traumatic - I said that in my post - it is amazing and something to be proud of. I am constantly stunned by the strength of birth moms I know.
Never would I tell anyone not to be proud of themselves. I will tell someone, however, that placing a child for adoption alone is not usually something to be proud of. You protected your child the best way you - young you - knew how - of course that's admirable.
God puts babies in the right tummies
The Buddhists say that everything is as it should be. Who's to say that yours wasn't the right tummy in the larger scope of things? I'm beginning to see that the universe runs on a different agenda than ours and everything unfolds and reveals itself in its own time. Perhaps we are where we are for a purpose: to learn and to teach and to grow, and these things are often both painful and liberating. Loss can open the door to human growth and understanding. I know this because it's what's happening here in the adoption-related blogosphere. {hugs}
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I guess I'd never make it as a Buddhist if it required me to believe everything is as it is supposed to be. No one will ever convince me that I shouldn't have been my son's mother.
Guess we all believe what we must or need to though. Somehow I cannot believe God would intentionally be cruel enough to give a woman a baby that he never intended her to raise. I like to believe that God is good, not evil and cruel.
Hey, thanks for missing me!
((Cookie))
I feel that adoption is a form of victimizing... taking advantage of pregnant women in a most vulnerable time in order for agencies, etc to gain.
So, to me, the idea of being proud of being a birth mom is about the same as being proud of being a rape victim.
Even if one has the idea that they hadn't been scammed by the agency or the adoptive parents, there is still a whole society out there that wasn't willing or able to help. There is a whole system that looks down on pregnant women (unmarried), and tells them they are immoral, sluts, etc etc... and tries to make women feel better by saying, you rectified your sins by choosing adoption. You are forgiven. Which is their victimization plan. Similar to saying, you dressed the part of a prostitute, and therefore you should have been raped. It's all relative.
Ah yes, Heatherrainbow - I agree with all you said. I do not believe that ALL women who relinquish are victims - but most. If nothing else, just because we portray adoption in an unrealistic way - and not being supportive of them, etc. It is a nasty package deal - the way we treat pregnant women - there is a need for their babies. Little need for them.
Thanks for your comments!
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