What is the Measure of a Good Adoption?

"My argument is that the adoption system — because it is predicated on injustice because I am a feminist and think the patriarchy needs to be taken down — is unjust because the world is unjust."

http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2007/12/07/i-just-had-to-pull-this-out/

This quote from Dawn's blog has me thinking hard and really mulling over what the measure of a good adoption really is. Like most aspects of adoption, this topic is extremely complicated no matter how much some people try to simplify it. Dawn did a great job of spelling out how complicated this issue can be.

Of course, we all agree that the child's welfare takes precedence. Although many try to say that the child and mother's best interests vary, I do not believe that to be the case in most situations. And, I believe that we can do what is best for a child without destroying or severely damaging the life of its first mother.

A mother can have the best motivations in the world for relinguishing her child, and maybe her decision not to parent was the best choice in her particular situation. But, if the adoptive parents chosen for that child happen to be the rare nightmare and abusive monsters, how can we say that adoption succeeded? Remember, this woman knew in her heart that it was the right choice - will she still feel that way finding a child at reunion that has been abused and damaged?

Conversely, consider a woman is pressured into the adoption "choice" with every fiber of her being screaming that it isn't what she wants, yet the adoption takes place. If her child happens to receive good adoptive parents, adjusts well to its status as an adopted child, deals with their loss well and turns out to be a stable successful adult, is that adoption a "success." For the child maybe, but what about its mother? If she had parented, isn't it likely that her child might have grown up much like they did being raised by their amom?

There are a million variations in between these two situations as well. However, it is relatively rare when an adoption that should take place, works out well and everyone lives happily ever after. Can we concede at least that is the case? Probably not. Even in the most ideal situations, there are pain and loss issues that must be addressed.

Adoption is a gamble, not a sure-fire guarantee that some gung-go advocates want to paint it. Sometimes an adoption should happen and works out well, sometime an adoption should not happen, but still works out well, and there are a million varations. We have to acknowledge that adoption is not a perfect solution that with a guaranteed success rate - life in general isn't like that and neither is adoption.

Dawn's right - the way our current system of adoptions is set up, it is unjust. We can never guarantee that every adoption is one that is necessary and should happen. However, we can do all that we can for our children to make certain that every pregnant woman considering her options has accurate and complete information about adoption and knows about resources and support to parent. We can stop coercion and unethical practices in adoption if there are consequences and accountability. And, we can and should do all we can to insure that all adoptions are truly necessary ones.

Movies About Unplanned Pregnancies

Has anyone else noticed how many movies have come out recently about unplanned pregnancies? First there was "Knocked Up." Didn't see that one - couldn't get past the title. Then, there was "Bella." I nearly walked out on that one! The minute the word "adoption" first was voiced, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Last weekend, I saw "August Rush." I think my expectations for this movie were maybe too high. Although parts of it moved me, I was not as thrilled or touched by it as I had expected. Heck, I didn't even need the Kleenex that I so purposefully brought with me!

Next up is "Juno," a comedy no less about an unplanned pregnancy. Normally, I have a great sense of humor, but, somehow I can't find much humor in unplanned pregnancies OR adoption. If you see Juno, email me with the ending. I want/need a happy ending. For me - that doesn't mean a mom places her baby for adoption. If that's what happens in Juno, I don't want to see it!

"The Girls Who Went Away"

Ever get frustrated about the slow progress in adoption reform? Do you think that there is nothing that you can do? You would be wrong.

A few weeks ago, I donated two books to my local library. I left a card with my phone number in case they decided they did not want to put them into circulation. I wanted the books back if they did not intend to include them in their collection.

Today, I stopped by the library and checked on the computer for "The Girls Who Went Away." The last time I had checked it was not listed. This time the book popped up and it said that it was in the library.

"The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler was one of the two books I recently donated to the library. And yes, it felt fantastic to know that my local library now has a copy!

P.S. Not my best photo ever , but Ann Fessler photographs well, don't you think? Plus, she is terrific person and her book has made a wonderful contribution towards getting our voices heard!

Pregnant and Considering Your Options

Recently I found a spot called CafeMoms where many moms connect on line. Many adoption groups are included. Some welcome all triad members, some are for birthmoms. A friend has one specifically for reunited birth moms http://www.cafemom.com/group/14715.

Mainly borne out of frustration, I created a group for pregnant women considering their options and have requested that paps not solicit for babies on the site. I'll let you know how it works out! So far, our members are birth moms ready to share. I want moms who will encourage and support the parenting option and will not portray adoption as all sweetness and light. We will talk about all options as honestly as possible, but concentrate on the parenting option. Eventually, I plan to offer resources as well for pregnant women and new moms.

Here's the link for my new group. Know anyone considering their options or who has experiencd an unplanned pregnancy? Or, someone who believes wholeheartedly first in the parenting option? If so, send them my way!

Hope to see you there!

Recently, I stumbled upon a blog written by a brand new adoptive mom. http://weblog.xanga.com/nettiebeau/621535924/continued.html. It disturbed me beyond measure. Unfortunately, I found this blog right before I shut off the computer for bed, so sleep was elusive. The post is dated October 14, 2007 and entitled "Adoption Week." There is talk of an "entrustment ceremony," asking the mother if she's ready for the ceremony to hand over the baby. "Yes, "No" - it seemed pretty clear to me how conflicted and uncertain the young mom was with the adoption decision. The crowning blow though was talk of the young woman's father saying that he was "reminding" her why she'd made the adoption decision. Yeah right, he needed to remind her so she wouldn't change her mind. Then the adoptive mom mentioned that:

"The decision that had been made before the hormone levels changed and the emotions got in the way."

Right, we certainly do not want any emotions to have any part in a decision to place your baby for adoption! People ask birth mothers how they can "give their babies away." I ask how can a adoptive mom take a baby from a young mother who so clearly wants to parent her baby?

Mothers and Sons

My face is glowing - talking to either of my sons is always a welcome event, and I just talked to Chris via telephone.

That's him in the photo - kiteboarding last year in Brazil. Thrill-seeker? Adventuresome? Oh yeah, just like his mom. Well.....like one of his moms at least, namely me. If he reads this blog, I may be in trouble for calling myself his "mom." His "mom" is the mother who raised him, not me, and he might not take kindly to having me call myself his mother.

It's okay, I don't think he reads my blog, and I know none of you will tell on me, right?

“I’m getting a dog,” he told me. I asked what kind, and if he’d ever had a dog before as an adult. Next, he told me that his dog was born already, and he’d met it but couldn’t take it home yet. “Oh, right,” I thought, we know better than to separate mother dogs and puppies too early. In fact, we are so convinced that puppies need to stay with their mothers for a time after birth, some states have discussed laws to outlaw separating puppies and mothers too soon. However, I didn’t mention any of this to my son. I thought about it a lot though - it does steam me that our society sees nothing wrong with unnecessarily separating human moms and babies - even moments after birth. Yet, puppies and their mothers, we treat with more consideration.

Six years have passed now since he found me, and I feel good about how our relationship has developed. Do I wish that he wanted to see me more often? Would I be thrilled to have more communication from him? Would it feel wonderful to feel that he needed me more? Will I ever feel really comfortable and certain that I matter to him as much as I wish that he did?

Yes, yes, yes...To the last question, I really don't know. I believe that he gives me as much of himself as he can or wants. I know that he shares a lot more with me than many adoptees do with their "other" mothers (i.e. first/natural/birth moms). And, I do know on a good day that I matter to him.

I will probably always yearn for more. But for now, I know that I am fortunate to have the closeness and affection for each other that we do have. It is real, enduring and mostly feels like enough. When I feel yearnings for more, I remind myself that we have so much more than many reunited birth/first parents and their children.

Besides, I want to be at peace. To be there, I need to live in reality and face life honestly - finally! To do that, it is necessary to accept our relationship as it really is and be satisfied. Acceptance - it is a difficult goal to achieve in adoption, but on most days I feel that I have succeeded and I am grateful for the relationship that my son Chris and I now have.

Coffee and Adoption?

Last week, as I was checking out the Yahoo headlines - yes, folks, I admit most of my news comes from Yahoo - I came across an article entitled "Tired of the Same-Old Caffeine Routine." I clicked and found some tasty sounding recipes for tea and coffee drinks. As I browsed through the comments, I noticed comment no. 8 posted by Cindybin. Here's part of her post verbatim:

"I belong to the LDS Church and coffee is against my religion where we have what we believe to be direct revelation from Heavenly Father saying that coffee, tea, alcohol, etc are not for the body.... "

I had to laugh, in fact I snickered at happening upon this comment in the midst of a discussion about yummy coffee drinks. Several thoughts came to mind - not all nice and suitable to share.

The LDS religion apparently has gotten heavenly revelations about God's intentions for pregnant single women as well. Fortunately, I have been told that pregnant LDS single teens are not still forced to "choose" adoption - well, at least not all the time. Changes often happen slowly, but I see many obvious signs that pregnant, single LDS moms still receive plenty of pressure to place their babies for adoption. (If you happen to be LDS, my intent is is not to slam your religion. I just hate the LDS adoption doctrines.)

Adoption and coffee - who but me could link the two? I have been told that I can connect nearly any topic to adoption - it's probably true too! So back to the coffee story, can anyone help but wonder why an anti-caffeine zealot is reading coffee recipes? Maybe she thought the story would offer a better non-caffeine option? Was it a missionary opportunity for her?

Further in the comments, another reader (commenter 30) said "Please stop doing your part in helping to equate "religious" with "fanaticism" in the minds of many." Religion and adoption is a subject I probably will not tackle soon. I have such extremely strong opinions on the subject. (What me, strong opinions? Hah!)

Bottom line - if we can't even talk about coffee without a snag or two - is it any wonder that adoption discussions often turn into nasty frays?

In case you want to verify my quotes, or check out coffee recipes etc. here's the link!

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/themagicalmeltingpot/1005/tired-of-the-same-old-caffeine-routine